Things could be worse...

That's more like it

2012-02-11T08:37:00.001-06:00

Remember how my last post was about a lawyer who was nice? Don't worry, things are back to normal.

Lawyer: Door-to-door sales? That must suck.
Me: Yeah, it's not great, but I have fun with it. It's a lot better than other things I've done.
Lawyer: What else have you done.
Me: I used to be a lawyer.
Lawyer: [five minute lecture criticizing my life choices]
Me: Wow, you're right. Getting away from assholes like you and endless paperwork was definitely the wrong life choice.

I don't usually tell people that I used to be a lawyer. This is why.

Some people like me

2012-02-10T20:36:00.002-06:00

Fact: Most lawyers are dicks. The other day, however, I had a conversation with a really nice lawyer.

Lawyer: Are you just going door to door?

Me: Yep.

Lawyer: I've got a lot of respect for that.

Me: Really? Thanks.

Lawyer: It takes a lot of balls to generate business that way. I actually started my practice 20 years ago by going door to door and asking other lawyers for their overflow.

Me: Wow. I actually used to be a lawyer. I'm kind of doing things backwards.

Lawyer: Well, good luck. Not a lot of people can do what you're doing and it will serve you well in the future, regardless of what you end up doing.

I pretty much get that response from anyone who has ever done door-to-door sales. It's always nice to hear.

Overheard

2012-02-08T19:55:00.000-06:00

Overheard this conversation while selling to a law firm. This client is getting kicked out of their apartment for a variety of reasons.

Client: ...and then they accused us of bein' gangbanga's!!
Lawyer: And these are your neighbors to the left, correct?
Client: Naw, them's to mah right.
Lawyer: Ok, what happened with the ones to your left? Weren't you talking about them on the phone?
Client: Dey thinks we's gangbanga's, too! We's good churchgoin' folk! Not no gangbanga's!
Lawyer: Wait. This sounds familiar. Did you have this same problem with your downstairs neighbors last month?
Client: Yeah.
Lawyer: So, three of your neighbors are under the mistaken impression that you are all gang members?
Client: Yeah. But, we's good churchgoin' folk.
Lawyer: ...great.

My job is hilarious.

People just like to vent

2012-02-01T18:55:00.000-06:00

I was about to sell some folders to an office manager when her boss suddenly walked into the room. This guy exploded into a rant about my company. I thought I was going to lose the sale and also get kicked out of the building, but that's not quite what happened.

Boss: What company are you with?

Me: XYZ Company.

Boss: Get out of here! We got FUCKED by XYZ years ago and I'm never dealing with them again! Get out!

Me: Sir, I am so sorry to hear that. If you don't mind me asking, what happened?

Boss: I'll tell you what happened - we got FUCKED! They sent us to collections...(ten minute rant about my company)...and I swore I'd never deal with the sons of bitches who own your company again!

Me: Those sons of bitches actually aren't with the company anymore. We got bought out by ABC company a few years ago.

Boss: Really?

Me: Really.

Boss: And you have good prices on folders?

Me: Yep. Anything else you're out of?

Boss: Paper clips

Me: And...

Boss: ...and post-its, and envelopes, and copy paper and photo paper.

Me: I'll get that taken care of and give you an additional discount for placing such a large order.

Boss: Thanks! I'm glad you came in today!

People are ridiculous.

Calling it a day

2012-01-25T20:36:00.000-06:00

So, I was going to try and sell some office supplies to a homeless shelter, but I was interrupted by a homeless man taking a dump on the sidewalk in front of me. On that note, I've decided to call it a day.

Bonus time

2012-01-12T17:15:00.000-06:00

This is the first week that I've hit the quota for getting a selling bonus, so I'm pretty stoked. But, if I make 2 more sales, I'll get an even bigger bonus. So, you can bet I'll be out tomorrow looking for 2 more sales.

Right now. I'm sitting in a bar trying to dry off. It's snowing pretty hard and I accidentally took a rather lengthy and unproductive turn down a residential street.

I'm alive

2012-01-10T15:04:00.001-06:00

Don't worry, I'm alive. I'm just really busy and don't have access to a computer when I'm walking around, so I haven't had much time to blog. Right now, I'm trying to make a post with my iPhone.

I still like my job. I hada brief slump durin the holidays, but I'm selling the shit out of these office supplies this week. I'm currently sitting in the lobby of a hospital, tying to figure out how I'm going to sell to the docs without getting kicked out.

Also, I've had to work in the suburbs for the past two weeks. Twelve hour days arenot conducive to regular blogging.

Bad day

2011-12-14T10:18:00.000-06:00

Overall, I like my new job and I'm pretty good at it. Today, however, I really wish I had an office job again. It's pouring in Chicago and I got so wet in the first hour of my day that I look like I just jumped in a pool. I'm currently getting funny looks while I'm trying to dry off in a Starbucks. I've got a hunch that sales aren't going to go well today.

First couple of days

2011-12-05T20:21:00.000-06:00

My first day was going pretty poorly until I sold about $800 of office supplies to some tax guy late in the afternoon. That kicked ass.

I only sold $70 worth of paper today, so my second day didn't go so well. But, a sale is a sale, so I suppose I'm doing better than most of the new people.

New job

2011-12-04T16:35:00.000-06:00

I'm officially selling office supplies door-to-door. I know it sounds like it sucks, but it's really not that bad. I work with a nice group of people, the job is a good experience builder for other sales positions, there's a lot of room for advancement within the company and I'm actually having fun wandering around talking to people all day.

All in all, even though I get weird looks whenever I tell people I'm selling office supplies, I'm pretty pleased with the way things are going right now.

Job offer

2011-11-17T15:28:00.000-06:00

It's official, I have a job offer from the office supply place. I also have a second interview with the real estate place but, based on how uncomfortable I was with the entire environment over there, I don't see myself taking that job. Regardless, I'm going to go on the interview just to see where it goes.

I don't feel like breaking this up into separate posts, so here are a few random comments:

1) How weird is it that I got this job exactly one year after getting my previous job? My girlfriend pointed that out.

2) It kind of sucks that I'm going to be selling office supplies door to door, but I'm going to give optimism a try and consider this as a good stepping stone to other sales jobs.

3) I'm going to play with my blog's format a bit now that I won't feel bad about playing around online rather than looking for jobs.

4) I told them I'd give a definite answer about whether I'd take the job on Monday. I imagine they'll want me to start right after Thanksgiving.

5) I'm planning on posting a lot more now that I'm going to have a job and places to go every day worth blogging about.

Interview in Review

2011-11-17T09:28:00.000-06:00

Had an interview yesterday with a real estate sales company and it was bizarre.

Basically, I would be cold-calling people for 12 hours/day for the first two to three years. Then, presuming I don't suck at what I do, I would start making big money. In the meantime, I'd be getting paid on a "draw system," which I had never heard of, but I guess it means that I'd be taking out a loan from the company every month in lieu of a traditional salary.

I interviewed with three different people, but my favorite line from the entire process came from the last guy. As soon as he walked in, he said, "I'm in the business because I want to be "jet rich". Ten years ago I was "range rover rich", now I'm "yacht rich", but I really want to be at a point where I can have my own jet."

I don't doubt that these guys make tons of money. But, I don't think I can handle 12-14 hour days of doing something I'm not that interested in just for the elusive possibility of making tons and tons of money...all while being paid on a draw.

The entire interview creeped me out. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be "jet rich." But, I don't think 14 hour days of cold calling to land a big real estate deal is how I want to do it. I'll happily settle for "yacht rich" if it means I can enjoy what I do.

Interview in Review

2011-11-11T15:04:00.000-06:00

Today, I had an interview at some sort of sales/marketing company. To be completely honest, I had no idea what kind of stuff they were selling before I went into the interview. As it turns out, the sell a bunch of stuff, but I'd specifically be working with office products. Yes, I'd be one of those annoying door-to-door office salesmen. Normally, I'd make some sort of depressing statement about my life right now, but I'm just excited to have any sort of job prospect right now.

Evidently, the interview went well because I just got a call saying that they want me to come in for a second interview on Monday. It sounds weird, but I guess the second interview involves spending a day shadowing one of their reps. Should be interesting.

Nerd party

2011-11-09T13:47:00.000-06:00

A buddy of mine works for a company that produced Saint's Row III and they had a release party a few days ago. Since I have nothing going on, he got me into the party as his "plus one." Yes, that elicited a lot of gay jokes, but I'll put up with a lot for a night of free food and booze.

Also, nerd parties are hilarious. Throw a bunch of socially inept people into a bar with free alcohol and you've got yourself an entertaining night.

Updates

2011-11-03T15:00:00.001-05:00

For those of you still paying attention, here are the most recent updates:

1) My parents' financial adviser's brother is in medical sales and I have been in touch with him. He's a really nice guy and is going to give me the names of several recruiters and he is going to contact people he knows at other companies to see if they are hiring. Overall, that sounds pretty promising.

2) A buddy of mine is in sales and is friends on Linkedin with a guy who does recruiting for medical sales. I'm getting introduced to that recruiter so, hopefully, that sounds promising as well.

3) Both Christmas and my girlfriends birthday are quickly approaching. Thinking about trying to buy presents while unemployed is one of the most depressing thoughts I've had in a while.

4) I just finished reading In Search of Memory by Eric Kandel. Even though some of the science was over my head (not as much as you'd think, though), it was a pretty good book. It's a mix of autobiography and brain science and, it you're into that kind of stuff, I'd recommend the book.

5) I just stared reading Knowledge and Decisions by Thomas Sowell. Never let it be said that I don't read interesting books.

6) I'm at my parents' house and I can't figure out where my mom hid the extra Halloween candy and it's driving me crazy.

Gym interview in review

2011-10-24T09:43:00.000-05:00

If an exercise-obsessed, kung-fu-teaching, french-speaking attorney can't get an entry-level sales job at a gym, I just don't know what to do next. Honestly, I cannot understand why I don't have a job yet. People must be intimidated by how awesome I am.

If you can't tell, I think the interview went pretty well. But, I'm just waiting for the phone call that starts with, "Hey. I had a great time talking to you and I think you'd be a great addition to our company, but..." I've become very familiar with that phone call.

Gym interview

2011-10-20T12:47:00.000-05:00

I have an interview tomorrow for that sales position at a gym in my area. After nearly thirty calls over the course of five days, I finally got through to the general manager without having to physically go over there to stalk him in person. I'll count this as evidence that being obnoxiously persistent can actually pay off.

I'm actually feeling pretty optimistic about this interview. Yeah, it's kind of a shitty job, but it's probably the first interview ever where I'm not preparing a bunch of lies to tell the interviewer. Telling someone that I've always been interested in the fitness industry is going to be way easier than trying to convince another lawyer that what they do sounds interesting.

Call me back, dick.

2011-10-17T13:59:00.000-05:00

Thursday afternoon, I got a call from the manager of a gym in my area regarding a sales associate position. Since then, I've been trying to get in touch with him pretty much every hour on the hour and he has yet to call me back.

A few years ago, I probably would have given up, taking his lack of a response as a sign that he doesn't actually want to interview me. Now, I'm getting ready to call him for the fifth time today and I have no intention of stopping until I get an interview.

I think it's safe to say that the past few years have really skewed my perception of appropriate behavior with respect to finding a job.

Facebook is freaking me out

2011-10-10T16:46:00.001-05:00

Some days, it seems like the world is just fucking with me. Logically, I know that's not possible, but it certainly feels that way sometimes. For instance, I log on to Facebook the other day and who pops up as a suggested friend? The asshole I used to work for.

We have no friends in common, I have no friends at his firm and I didn't even know this guy had a Facebook page. So, I'm left wondering why Facebook decided to place him first under, "people you may know." Was it just to fuck with me? Kinda seems like it.

Focus Groups

2011-09-29T11:03:00.002-05:00

I've actually been called in for a couple of focus groups recently. At about $100 each, I've made about 1/4 of my monthly unemployment income from two focus groups and four hours of my time. I think it's safe to say I have a new favorite hobby.

I know I've been pretty lazy about blogging lately, but I've been unemployed for about six months now and I have absolutely nothing going on worth blogging about. I haven't had any interviews recently and I'm still waiting to hear back from the medical device company.

They were actually supposed to get back to me last week, and it's sort of pissing me off that I've called them three times and sent them one email, but they haven't responded to anything. I'm currently trying to balance my need for information with the fact that I don't want to come across as a pain in the ass. Maybe no news is good news?

Emmys

2011-09-22T09:46:00.000-05:00

Going to the Emmys was awesome. The Emmys themselves were a little boring, but I really enjoyed the red carpet and all of the pre-Emmy excitement. Unless you actually know me, you probably care about all of the details. So, for blog purposes, I'm just going to tell my favorite story of the night.

Even though it was crazy-expensive, I got a towncar to take us to and from the Emmys. I figure, if I'm going to the Emmys, I may as well do it right. Because it makes the following conversation more entertaining, I have to mention that our driver was a big, black guy.

Once we got near the Emmys, everything was blocked of for security purposes and we didn't really know where we were going. Our driver pulled up to one of the entrances just to see what would happen and we were immediately stopped by security since we didn't have a pass. I guess the particular route we were attempting to take was only for famous people. Here comes the awesome part of the story:

Driver: How do I through to the Emmys?
Security: You can't get through this entrance if you don't have a pass.
Driver: I'm sorry, but my clients forgot their pass in their hotel room.
Security: (looks at me and my girlfriend) Who are these people?
Driver: THIS IS MR. D!!!
Security: OH!! We're so sorry. Here, have a pass to put in your window and go on through.

And that's how we managed to get dropped off at the Ritz Carlton, rather than having to walk from outside the security checkpoint. Overall, best driver ever.

You're not going to believe this

2011-09-15T11:53:00.000-05:00

I'm going to the Emmys this weekend. Yes, those Emmys. My dad was at a fundraiser a few months ago and bought a package trip for two people to go to the Emmys. Long story short, the tickets ended up defaulting to me because the rest of my family is having a busy year, whereas I have absolutely nothing going on.

My girlfriend and I are both hoping that we'll be discovered on the red carpet. My girlfriend, because she thinks that being a tv lawyer sounds way better than being a real lawyer. Me, because I think being anything on tv sounds better than being nothing in real life.

Feel free to look for me. I'll be the unemployed guy in a tux.

Good internet day

2011-09-13T17:37:00.000-05:00

Overall, today sucked. I still have no job and I started my day by having a mild panic attack over that and a bunch of unforeseen expenses. But, the internet was pretty entertaining.

This is the best test answer I've seen in a while.

I don't care what you think, Pop Up Video was awesome and the fact that it's coming back cheered me up a little.

This is just horrifying

Louis C.K. hates people. I get that.

Diablo 3 beta wizard gameplay. A friend sent me this link even though he knows I spent an entire year of college doing pretty much nothing but playing Diablo II. That's a year of my life I'm never going to get back and the reason I don't allow myself to play video games anymore. That being said, Diablo 3 looks fucking awesome.

Focus group

2011-09-12T16:04:00.003-05:00

I finally got picked up for one of these focus groups I signed up for months ago. Maybe this is a sign that things are going to pick up for me. It pays $75 for two and a half hours of my time. It's not the best paying one that I've seen, but I'll definitely take their $75.

I hate people

2011-09-09T15:50:00.000-05:00

How is it possible that, when they hear an ambulance siren, pedestrians don't realize that they shouldn't go into the cross-walk? I just saw three people almost get fucking demolished by a speeding ambulance because they thought that blindly wandering into the intersection was a good idea. I absolutely hate people.

Desperate measures

2011-09-07T15:20:00.000-05:00

Since that medical device job won't be here until November (at the very earliest), I'm obviously continuing to apply for jobs. For the past several months, I've been concentrating on jobs that either a) interested me, or b) I thought a law degree might help me get. After 6-ish months of unemployment, panic has officially set in and I'm applying for a lot more desperation jobs.

For example, here's a list of a few of the jobs I've applied for today:
- Sales Associate at a department store
- Sales Associate at a gym
- Sales Associate at another gym
- Part-time Front Desk Clerk
- Loss Prevention Officer (translation: security guard)
- Guest Relations Associate at a museum
- Part-time Bank Teller
- Temporary Door/Luggage Attendant

No need to worry about me. Applying for a job as a Luggage Attendant is exactly what I thought I'd be doing at this point in my life. Just living the fucking dream over here.

Job update

2011-09-01T08:58:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I had another meeting with the guys who are offering me the medical device job. The good news is that they still like me and it seems like I'm definitely lined up for this job. Since my parents are both surgeons and I'm a reasonably intelligent and well-spoken guy, they think I'd be a great fit for a job selling their products. They were worried that spending a couple of days with the sales team would turn me off, but it actually made me even more interested in the position.

The bad news is that they're still pretty vague about when it's going to start. They want to get a manager position filled by October 1st, after which they think my position will start to fall into place. Best case scenario, I think I'm looking at a November start date.

I need to find a part-time job or some temp-work to make some money until November comes around.

I hate Amtrak

2011-08-26T14:12:00.000-05:00

I take Amtrak to visit my folks. Not only is Amtrak one of the most unreliable and poorly organized forms of transportation available, but it also has some of the most questionable clientele I've ever seen.* I could give a bunch of examples, but I think a picture is worth 1000 words.

Yes, amidst the confusion, there is a man attempting to bring a gallon of milk on what is going to be, at the very least, a 2.5 hour train ride. Interestingly, this guy was selected to be randomly screened by security. Kudos to Amtrak security for realizing that there's something wrong with this picture.

*I say "one of the most" because the bus is way, way, way worse.

All is forgiven

2011-08-24T11:50:00.000-05:00

I think I've mentioned that my girlfriend is moving in with me. Over the past few weeks, I've been spreading the news around my family and the reactions were pretty much what I expected. By that, I mean that just about everyone was cool with it, but my godmother and my grandmother were PISSED. Pissed to the point that there is a very real possibility that two spots just opened up at any future wedding.

This past weekend, I spent three days hanging out with my mom because my dad is gone on a trip for ten days. Yesterday, I called my grandmother and, even though she is probably my biggest fan, her reaction to me spending time with my mom went a little overboard. Here's a brief, non-exaggerated, excerpt from our conversation:

Grandmother: I heard what you did for your mother! D, you're such an angel!! You're just such an ANGEL!!
Me: It's really not that big of a deal, grandma.
Grandmother: Don't you say that! Not everyone would do that kind of thing for their mother!

I think it's safe to say I'm back on my grandmother's good side. That, and my dad must have set the bar really low in terms of doing things for one's mother.

French movie

2011-08-16T09:39:00.000-05:00

The other day, I decided that I was going to start watching French movies. I figured that it would be a good way of improving my ability to understand spoken French and it would be fun to watch some French movies. In theory, that still sounds like a good plan; but, it backfired about half an hour into my first French movie.

I enjoy language and grammar, but I don't like reading subtitles and can't stand weird French movies. While I'm usually a pretty big dork, I seriously outdid myself this time. My girlfriend was worried that I was going to make her watch a bunch of weird French movies and I can honestly say that is not going to be an issue.

Backup plan

2011-08-11T15:48:00.000-05:00

Today, my mom told me that I need a backup plan if the medical device job doesn't pan out. I'm not sure which backup plan I'm on, but I'm so far away from my original plan I can barely remember what it was. I'm sure I'm forgetting a few, but here's a brief overview of my plans from the past ten years and what went wrong:

Plan A: Marine biologist
- As it turns out, I was too lazy and drunk to major in anything science related.

Plan B: Philosophy grad school in order to work in applied ethics
- A professor convinced me that this wasn't a very financially sound idea. In retrospect, best advice ever.

Plan C: Law school in order to work in medical ethics and/or health law
- Getting any job out of law school is tough. Getting job in a really niche area is next to impossible. If only someone had given me the same advice about law school that I was given about philosophy grad school.

Plan D: Real estate lawyer
- Didn't get hired at the real estate firm because my boss knew I didn't want to be a lawyer.

Plan E: Any kind of lawyer
- Had a job, lost that job, decided to stop looking for a lawyer job because I can't stand the thought of waking up thirty year from now having spent my life doing something I hate.

Plan F: Medical sales
- I think this is still my long-term goal. I don't have any experience in the area, so landing a job is pretty tough.

Plan G: Entry-level position in a medical device company
- The current plan.

Plan H: Bagging groceries at Jewel?
- The backup plan.

So, I'm currently pursuing my 6th backup plan and number seven is open for discussion. I'm pretty sure I can do better than bagging groceries, but I'm not ruling anything out.

Updates

2011-08-09T09:58:00.000-05:00

1) I just found out that I didn't get the corporate compliance job. Fuuuuck. On the bright side, corporate compliance sounded like it would really suck.

2) I finally got an email from the guys at the medical device company. I guess they've been really busy, but I'm supposed to give them a call the week of August 22, at which point they should have more updates on the job. If this is all a tease, leading up to them telling me that the job won't start for several more months, I'm going to absolutely lose my shit.

3) My girlfriend is moving in with me at the end of the month.

4) The first couple months of unemployment weren't bad but, as I watching my savings dwindle every week, I'm starting to get a little depressed. Some sort of job better come through, and soon.

I really wish I had more updates, but that's pretty much it.

Interview in Review

2011-08-03T16:35:00.000-05:00

A couple of days ago, I had an in-person interview at a local hospital regarding a corporate compliance position. Corporate compliance kind of sounds like it sucks, but it would be a job, and that's really all I'm looking for right now.

Overall, I think the interview went pretty well. It started out a little shaky because it was so hot outside I was literally dripping with sweat by the time I got to the hospital. Luckily, I had enough time to spare that I was able to dry off a bit before the actual interview started.

The first interviewer was a HR lady. I fucking hate HR and their bullshit questions. I've gotten much better at answering HR questions, but she threw one question at me that contained so much HR/corporate lingo that I actually had to have her repeat the question in simpler terms. That wasn't my best moment, but I think everything else went well.

The second interviewer was the assistant general counsel for the hospital. He had absolutely no interest in interviewing me, but seemed pretty content kill an hour of his day sitting around talking. He basically gave me a ten minute synopsis of the job and then we just kind of talked for the next fifty minutes.

My honest assessment is that I completely fit what they want for this position. I can read, so I can figure out rules and regulations in a corporate compliance context. I'm also a lawyer so, theoretically, I should be able to it better than your average person. The only problem is that there are several thousand other people in the Chicago area with those exact same qualifications.

Fingers crossed....

A touch of class

2011-08-01T17:23:00.000-05:00

Over the weekend, I was back in my home town visiting my folks for my sisters birthday. Honestly, I don't come from a hick town, but we do have our fair share of interesting people.

You know how, when you get rid of a piece of furniture, you can put it on your curb and it will disappear? I don't know how it disappears, but it always does. Maybe homeless people pick it up, maybe college students take it, maybe the garbage men throw it away...I don't know how it happens and I don't really care. As long as you're familiar with the general process, you'll get why this is a weird story.

We drove by a house with a couch set out on it's curb. 100% normal, right? But, as we're driving by, we notice that it's not just a give-away couch. There are actually four people sitting on it, drinking beer.

This got me thinking. What if some of that furniture I see on curbs isn't just to be given away? What if it's some sort of white-trash patio furniture? Do the people who take the furniture know about this? If this couch get's taken, would that be considered stealing? Do I have way to much time to think about stupid stuff when I don't have a job?

Yes. The answer to the last question is, yes.

Focus groups

2011-07-29T11:37:00.000-05:00

A while back, I mentioned that I had signed up with a bunch of organizations that do focus groups. A buddy of mine told me that I they're quick money and that, since I'm unemployed, I'd have time to do a lot of them. Since I signed up, I haven't been selected for a single focus group. I must be somewhat slow, because it took until this week for me to figure out why.

Every one of these focus groups sends out a screening questionnaire to see if you qualify. Each time, they find out that I'm a 28 year old male with a graduate degree and an average household income of less than $30k/year who hasn't bought anything new for himself in about six years. No wonder they don't want me to be part of their group.

I tell my buddy about this and he says that his latest survey thinks that he makes $75k/year, has a house full of fancy electronics and that he just bought a new car. Based on the beat up used car I see him driving around and the circa 2001 cell phone he has clipped to his hip, I think it's safe to say he's not telling the truth.

The moral of this story? Telling the truth gets you absolutely nowhere.

Typical reactions

2011-07-27T11:09:00.000-05:00

I tell a lot of people about my current work situation. I'm sure nobody really cares, but I tell them anyway. After talking to another lawyer in an elevator today, I noticed that the conversations always go the same way, dependent on whether I'm talking to a non-lawyer or a lawyer.

Conversation with non-lawyer
Non-lawyer: What do you do?
Me: Well, I'm technically a lawyer...
Non-lawyer: Oh, that must be interesting! You look to young to be a lawyer!
Me: But, I'm currently unemployed and, since I never liked law, I'm looking to do something different.
Non-lawyer: Why would you do that? You've already gone through so much schooling and lawyers make so much money?

Conversation with lawyer
Lawyer: What do you do?
Me: Well, I'm technically a lawyer...
Lawyer: That sucks.
Me: But, I'm currently unemployed and, since I never liked law, I'm looking to do something different.
Lawyer: Good for you. It took me thirty years to do that.

Why weren't lawyer this honest when I was applying to law school? Misery loves company, I suppose.

Crime pays. Crime pays very, very well.

2011-07-23T17:13:00.000-05:00

I'm standing in line at Jewel today behind three thugged out black guys who absolutely reek of weed. Honestly, they must have just finished rolling around in piles of weed, because that's the only thing you could smell within like a ten foot radius of these guys.

To pay, the lead guy pulls out of his pocket what must have been, conservatively, $10k in hundred dollar bills. It wasn't like he just had a show hundred wrapped around a wad of ones. He seriously stood there flipping through about an inch of hundreds before he was even able to find a fifty with which to pay the cashier.

That was hands down the best marketing I've ever seen for a job. Yeah, it was cool in elementary school when Bobby's dad was a fireman and let us climb on the firetruck for career day. However, now that I'm older, I can't help but be impressed by the guy who can't walk straight because he has the down payment for a fucking house his pocket.

I don't know about you, but I'm seriously considering a career change.

Time to wake up!

2011-07-22T13:22:00.000-05:00

WHAP!

"uugh...huh....wha...what?"

WHAP!

"what the...where am I...what's going on?"

WHAP!

"I'm under attack! Jesus Christ! Fuck! Wait...Dad?"

WHAP!

"DAD! GOD DAMN IT! I'M AWAKE! STOP THAT! STOP! THAT!"

That's my impression me, after a night of drinking, being woken up by my dad hitting me with a rolled up magazine. He just wanted to say goodbye before I went back to Chicago.

Shadowing my dad's sales rep: Day 2

2011-07-21T09:24:00.000-05:00

Day 2 was mostly logistics. By that, I mean I was cleaning up yesterday's mess and putting orthopedic devices back in their trays. Since the positions this company is creating are logistics positions, today was more representative of what I'd be doing on a daily basis.

All things considered, today was actually pretty cool. I'm sort of compulsively organized, so organizing boxes actually appeals to me. Also, I enjoyed the added stress from the fact that, if I do it wrong, something gets seriously fucked up.

Overall, I had a great couple of days. I really think that selling medical devices is something I'd be good at and could actually enjoy. Now I just have to get them pinned down on a date when this could actually start.

Shadowing my dad's sales rep: Day 1

2011-07-18T19:40:00.001-05:00

Surgery is fucking insane. My parents have had their surgery videos on in the background ever since I was a little kid, but seeing it in person is a whole different ball of wax. My dad's in orthopedics, so there's a lot of sawing, a lot of chipping, a lot of drilling and a lot - I mean A LOT - of hammering. If you were ever under the impression that replacing a knee is a delicate process, let me assure you that it is not.

All in all, it was awesome. I know I only saw a small portion of what a sales rep does, but the part I saw was approximately fifty bagillion times better than being a lawyer. You get to work in an exciting environment, learn about tangible products and dress up in scrubs. Scrubs!

I know there are several cons to the job (long hours, lots of driving, commission, etc.), but today was cool. Tomorrow, I'm going to get a taste of the "logistics" aspect of the job, and they assure me it sucks. I'll keep you posted.

There's no place like home

2011-07-17T12:54:00.000-05:00

My parents have some relatively new neighbors who own a pair of really big, really obnoxious dogs. If you go anywhere in our backyard, these things start barking ridiculously loudly and just won't stop. My dad has had enough and is about to take matters into his own hands.

In my dad's own words, "The way I see it, I have two options: I can either make them an offer on their house or poison their dogs. I'm going to go over this afternoon and see which one they'd prefer."

If you know my dad, you know that he's 100% serious. In case you're thinking that my mom is normal and balances out my dad's crazy, let me assure you that she is not. Her only reaction to his comment was to warn him not to be too confrontational.

I'm no expert in threatening to kill a neighbor's dogs, but I'm pretty sure "confrontational" is a given.

Interview in review

2011-07-15T15:00:00.000-05:00

I had an in-person interview for a sales position at another medical supply company. It lasted about an hour and twenty minutes and, overall, it went well. At the same time, there were a lot of weird parts and parts that I just didn't like about the job/interviewer.

1) I'd be paid entirely based on commission. A lot of people, including some friends in sales, have told me to steer clear of any position where all of your income is based on commission. Yeah, you can make a good amount of money, but you can also end up 100% fucked.

2) An hour into the interview, the interviewer said that he can always tell within three or four minutes of meeting someone whether they will be good at sales and a good part of their team. Since he spent over an hour talking to me, I'm assuming that means he liked me, but he didn't follow up that comment with anything.

3) He asked me how long I could continue to be unemployed from a financial standpoint. I suppose it's a legitimate concern if all of my pay would be based on commission and I'd be making dick for the first few months, but I thought it was a sort of inappropriate question.

4) Of the hour and twenty minutes, I probably talked for ten minutes. The guy was a talker.

5) He wouldn't give me a straight answer to any of the questions I had. For instance, I asked him to describe an average day in the position at the beginning versus six months in. This prompted him to go into a ten minute discussion of what I'd be earning. After a lot of prodding, he eventually told me that I'd be knocking on doors for the first couple of months. I imagine doctors must love that.

The company where my dad's sales rep works still seems like my best bet. I just don't have a good feeling about this place.

Interview in review

2011-07-13T09:50:00.000-05:00

I just had a phone interview about a corporate compliance position in a hospital. The HR lady said she would be scheduling an in-person interview for me regarding both the position I applied for and a second, random position for which she thinks my skills would be a good fit. I think it's safe to say I'm getting better at phone interviews.

I don't want to sound too pessimistic, but corporate compliance sounds like it sucks. Sit around all day working with hospital rules and regulations? If possible, that sounds more boring than law. I'm really hoping one of the medical sales jobs comes through.

Brookfield Zoo

2011-07-11T13:04:00.000-05:00

I love the zoo. If it weren't so expensive, I could easily go to the zoo every weekend and be a happy guy. My family thinks it's strange that I can spend hours watching a good Animal Planet special, but I'm one million times worse at the zoo. If I ever have a kid, his mother is going to have her hands full at the zoo because I'm going to be way too distracted to do any parenting.

Here's a video of a monkey. He was an elusive little guy, but I eventually got him on video.

I've never put a video on my blog before, so I hope that worked. In case it didn't, here's a picture of a polar bear.

Harold Washington Library

2011-07-08T14:39:00.000-05:00

The Harold Washington Library, like any public library, is a glorified homeless shelter. Yeah, there are books, but there are also a lot of bums. They just find a nice table to sit at with their multi-purpose suitcase/trashcan/refrigerator and camp out until they get kicked out. Because it's such a big library, the bum to table ratio really isn't that bad, but don't worry, they're still everywhere.

If you can forget about the bums, it's actually a nice library. It's really big, so they do have a ton of books and other research materials. I actually used to study there in law school, so it's very possible to find a bum-free corner to do some reading.

The reason I'm counting this as someplace new is because I finally found their event room. Way up on the 9th floor, they have a room called the "Winter Garden" where they do corporate events and weddings. I thought it was going to suck, but it's actually awesome and probably a great place to have an event.

Interview in review

2011-07-06T20:27:00.000-05:00

Today, I had a phone interview with some guy from another medical supply company. This guy seemed either retarded or way too busy to care about a phone interview. He basically droned on about the company for about half an hour while obviously doing other work in the background. I would occasionally throw in a "That sounds great!" or "I think that would be ideal for me!" but that was pretty much my only input into the conversation.

I have an actual interview next Thursday, so either my half-assed responses appealed to him or he seriously wasn't paying any attention to what was going on.

Northerly Island

2011-07-05T10:12:00.000-05:00

Northerly Island is a nice looking empty piece of land, but it's still an empty piece of land. I wouldn't really recommend going unless you've been unemployed for a couple of months and are desperately looking for ways to pass your time.

I think they're trying to turn it into a native habitat for birds and stuff. If that's the case, then it will eventually be pretty cool, but it's not there yet. Right now, all you get is a bunch of grass, a couple of statues and quite a few geese.

If you make it to the end of the trail, you get a nice view of the lake and the city. It's probably a good place to go for a run if you live close by.

Interview in review

2011-06-30T14:06:00.000-05:00

Yesterday's interview had some pros and cons. Just to bring everyone up to speed, the interview was for an entry-level position with a company that sells medical devices. My dad is good friends with his sales rep and he helped get me the interview.

Pros
1) The interview went really well. The owners had a conference call with my dad's friend later in the day and he even texted me to let me know how well I did in the interview. I may not have many skills, but I excel at interviews.
2) The job sounds like a great way to gain experience and eventually work my way into an actual sales rep position.
3) They offered to let me shadow one of their sales reps for a day. That way I can get a feel for what the job is like and if it's something I really want to do one day. I thought that was very cool of them.

Cons
1) The job is extremely entry-level. I'd basically be packing boxes and delivering them to hospitals. I imagine the pay is just as entry-level.
2) I'd need to buy a car.
3) Most importantly, they're not sure when the job would start. I guess this position is currently being created, but they want to reconvene in a month to give me more definite details. That leaves me unemployed for at least another month.

Overall, it sounds like a great opportunity. Unlike a lot of other jobs that I've had, I'd be working in an area that interests me and there would be opportunity to advance within the company. It stings a little to be 28 years old and only qualified to do entry-level work, but I'm coming to terms with that fact.

Job interview!

2011-06-27T14:58:00.000-05:00

For a long time, I've been talking about this potential job with a medical device company. I've been emailing back and forth with a guy that my dad knows, but the interview kept getting pushed back. It's been immensely frustrating but, this Wednesday, I have a confirmed time and location for an interview.

The only bad part is that the interview, and the job, will be in a nearby suburb. This is bad because I don't have a car and I suck at driving on highways. I really mean I suck at driving on highways.

It's not that I'm a bad driver. I'm actually a pretty good driver. I've just had very little experience driving on anything other than lazy roads in my home town. I like it best when the roads have actual names and the closest car is several car-lengths away. Put me in a tightly packed group of cars on a road that begins with an "I" and ends with some number, all while trying to merge onto a seemingly identical road that comes in out of nowhere, and I start to panic.

Anyway, now that I've worked myself into a cold sweat just thinking about this, maybe it's time to figure out where I can rent a car. On the bright side, I guess I'll be forced to get a lot better at driving.

Quote of the day

2011-06-25T16:57:00.000-05:00

Having pneumonia while unemployed left me a little home-bound while I was recovering. This is my girlfriend's reaction after seeing me for the first time in a couple of weeks: "So, have you decided to stop shaving now that you're a shut-in?"

In my defense, it hadn't been all that long since the last time I shaved, and people should just be grateful that I'm still...

Actually, the girlfriend might have a valid point on this one. It happens from time to time.

Summer reading

2011-06-22T17:01:00.000-05:00

Since I have ~~some~~ a lot of free time on my hands, I've decided to start reading more. I've always been a big fan of books, but I've always been most interested in some pretty obscure stuff. As a kid, I read a lot of sci-fi/fantasy books; during college, I read a lot of philosophy; and, during law school, I stopped reading all together. More recently, I've been reading books on language and cognition, along with some of the more obscure classics - like the Meditations of Marcus Aurelius, Paradise Lost, etc.

In the spirit of broadening my horizons, I've decided to start reading some of the actual literary classics along with other award winning books. I've always been bored out of my mind while reading things like The Great Gatsby or Anna Karenina, but I figure this is probably as good a time as any to brush up on the books I should have been reading in high school while I was actually out drinking in a park.

I just picked up The Sound and the Fury by William Faulkner and A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole. It should be a wild and exciting week.

On an unrelated note, someone emailed me and asked that I plug their blog post on books that every paralegal should own. Don't say I never did anything for anyone.

Smith Museum of Stained Glass

2011-06-21T13:14:00.000-05:00

This museum is surprisingly cool. I say "surprisingly" because it's on Navy Pier and Navy Pier is one of my least favorite places in Chicago.

Navy Pier is like Six Flags, only trashier and with less to do. The place is swarming with things like fat men wiping off sweat with their ties and tourist families trying, and failing, to control their disgusting and sticky children. Every now and then, you make eye contact with another person who is absolutely appalled by what's going on around them, but those people are few and far between.

Surprisingly, the Stained Glass Museum is cool. They have a lot of stained glass and good descriptive plaques about each piece. Overall, I picked up some interesting information and a new appreciation for stained glass windows. I really liked a lot of the windows, but this one was probably my favorite:

Also, since the museum is pretty far into the pier, it's relatively secluded. Not to mention the fact that most people are far more interested in stuffing their faces with caramel corn than going to a museum.

Cook County Hospital

2011-06-20T11:26:00.000-05:00

I had something to do in the area, and both of my parents used to work at Cook County Hospital, so I figured I'd go look around. I don't really have a lot to say about it, but it was interesting to be able to put a location to all of the horror stories I've heard from my parents over the years.

Another New Low

2011-06-19T00:02:00.000-05:00

I'm recovering from pneumonia, I'm unemployed and I've worked myself into such a panic attack that I can't fall asleep. So, I'm drinking a glass of bourbon and watching reruns of He-Man on some channel I didn't even know I had.

Things are going pretty well for me right now.

Road Trip

2011-06-16T13:27:00.000-05:00

The other day, I went to Herrin, IL with my girlfriend. She had to go there for work and I figured why not tag along? Well, one reason I shouldn't have tagged along is because I was coming down with pneumonia. Don't worry, that's already been pointed out by everyone I know.

Herrin is a really small town in southern Illinois. To give you an idea of how far south we were in Illinois, check out this disturbingly large cross we passed, somewhere around Effingham. I don't know if the picture gives a good size reference, but this thing is fucking huge.

While my girlfriend was working, I was wandering aimlessly around the town. I was hoping that I'd come back with at least one interesting picture and I was not disappointed. Let me present the Herrin VFW. Yep, that's a helicopter.

Unfortunately, the rest of the town was pretty boring. I couldn't even find an interesting diner where I could sit and have breakfast and I was really looking forward to eating in some unique little country restaurant.

Minute Clinic

2011-06-15T09:54:00.000-05:00

So, I've had a persistent cough for about three weeks. Idiot that I am, I've been avoiding going to the doctor despite the insistence of my mother, father, girlfriend, etc. Yesterday morning, I finally caved and went to one of those Minute Clinics at CVS. After waiting about two hours to get in ("Minute Clinic" is a very misleading name), I was told that I have low oxygen levels, horrible sounding lungs and that I should go get a chest x-ray because I might have pneumonia. Awesome.

Whenever I'm legitimately sick or injured, my mother is my first call. Not because she's going to make me feel better (she won't), but because the woman can get stuff done.

Me: The minute clinic said that my oxygen count is low, they think I might have pneumonia and that I should go get a chest x-ray.
Mom: You need to get that done today.
Me: I've been trying to get an appointment, but it's so late in the day they won't let me do it until tomorrow.
Mom: Let me tell you a bunch of medical complications that can happen from this that can make you DIE IN YOUR SLEEP TONIGHT!
Me: I'm not going to the emergency room and they won't let me have an appointment until tomorrow. And, did you seriously say I'm going to die in my sleep?!?
Mom: I didn't say you were going to die in your sleep. I'm just saying there could be complications and you do live alone...
Me: Mom!
Mom: I'll call you back later. I'm getting you this x-ray within the next hour.

An hour later, I was in the radiology department at Northwestern with a doctor's appointment later in the afternoon.

I could bore you with a bunch of random stories from the day, but the end result was that I have pneumonia and am currently on antibiotics. I guess my x-ray was fine, but my lungs sound absolutely horrible.

Fun fact: I learned that I have extra-long lungs because I work out so much. How cool is that?

Quote of the day

2011-06-09T13:26:00.000-05:00

Charlie Kelly: Just get a job? Why don’t I strap on my job helmet, and squeeze down into a job cannon, AND FIRE OFF INTO JOBLAND, WHERE JOBS GROW ON JOBBIES?!!!

Yeah, this was previously posted on another blog that I read. But, it's funny and pretty well sums up how I'm feeling right now.

Art Institute

2011-06-08T09:58:00.000-05:00

A little while ago I went to the Art Institute. I hate going to the Art Institute on their free day because it's way too crowded, but I'm way too cheap to pay for museums. As luck would have it, a woman in my French class works there and was able to get me in for free on a normal day and give me a guided tour of an exhibit she put together.

I'm usually pretty critical of art museums, but I really like the Art Institute and I've been there a lot. During this particular trip, I went to the modern wing, the exhibit they had on French artwork and I ate lunch at Terzo Piano.

Terzo Piano was really quite good. Interesting atmosphere, nice view and, most importantly, good food.

I suppose the modern wing was good. As we all know by now, I'm not into modern art. But, I looked around, absorbed some culture and thought a few of the pieces were cool looking.

My favorite part was the exhibit on renaissance French artwork. I knew what all of it was supposed to be and there was obvious artistic skill on display - that's really all I want out of an art exhibit. The exhibit is over now and I'm definitely glad I didn't miss it.

Updates

2011-06-07T12:49:00.000-05:00

1) A friend of my dad works for a company that manufactures medical devises. He said they're trying to hire recent college grads for some entry level positions and that he'll set up an interview for me. So far, this is my most promising job prospect.

2) Last week, I went to the opening of an art exhibit with my parents where my dad introduced me to the general counsel for an Illinois medical association. Even though I don't actually want legal work, I forwarded my resume to the guy.

3) A friend of mine gave me a list of companies that do focus groups. I guess you just show up for a couple of hours, answer some survey questions and they pay you. This clearly isn't a permanent solution, but I could use a way to make some quick cash.

4) My idea for part-time work isn't panning out. The girl in my French class who said her hotel is looking for doormen hasn't been in class for the past month now. That's making it awfully hard for me to beg for a job.

5) I've got a pretty big backlog of places I've visited over the past couple weeks. I just haven't had the motivation to blog about a lot of it. I'm starting to run out of ideas for places to visit, so suggestions are always helpful.

Jane Addams Hull-House Museum

2011-06-07T09:09:00.000-05:00

Apparently, this museum closes at 4:00pm. I was fairly pissed to find this out after I walked all the way over and arrived at 4:05pm. Yes, I should have checked their hours before going, but who closes at 4pm? This is what the outside looks like, but I don't have much else to add.

To make up for missing the museum, I stopped by the South Loop Binny's on my way back. I picked up some new beer, so I guess I can say I tried something new.

Model City

2011-05-31T13:34:00.000-05:00

The scale model of Chicago at the Architectural Foundation is one of the coolest things I've been to recently. The amount of time and effort that must have gone into making this thing is ridiculous.

I was probably there for a good half hour just reading all of the little signs, looking at my neighborhood and tracking down all of the Chicago landmarks I could remember. Then, after reading that the lighting simulated the sun's path on the longest day of the year every 15 minutes, I had to stick around to look at the exhibit again with the lighting in mind.

Obviously, I also had to crouch down at "ground level" to take a picture of the Chicago skyline. I had way too much fun at this exhibit.

Clarke House & Glessner Museum

2011-05-30T17:49:00.000-05:00

There's actually a lot going on in this obscure little neighborhood, so I'm going to break it down into a few parts.

Glessner Museum
It's $10 to get in and I really didn't feel like paying $10 to see a bunch of old stuff; particularly after having just been to the Chicago History Museum. Maybe it's interesting, but I'll never know unless I get really bored and go back on a free day.

Clarke House

Again, it was $10 to get in so I just toured around the outside, but that was enough for me. It's the oldest residence in Chicago, which is pretty cool, and they've done a really nice job with the landscaping. I also really like that fountain. If I ever own a house that won't look ridiculous having a fountain, I definitely want a fountain.

The neighborhood itself
I really liked this neighborhood. I would have never suspected that such a nice little area was located that close to McCormick Place and Chinatown. I definitely thought I was going to walk into some sort of hellhole. Also, there are a lot of signs talking about the history of the neighborhood, so I honestly didn't feel like I was missing out on much by not paying to get into the actual museums.

Arts Club of Chicago

2011-05-25T10:10:00.000-05:00

This place sucks. It's a one room exhibit which is essentially the same picture over and over and over again. It's Andy Warhol, so I guess it's supposed to be weird, but this didn't do it for me.

Also, the attendant got all pissy when I asked her there was anything else to see and she got even pissier when I started taking pictures. Believe me, if I weren't unemployed and maintaining a blog about what I do every day, I would not be taking pictures of your crap exhibit.

Half Acre

2011-05-23T10:40:00.000-05:00

I went to visit the Half Acre Brewery the other day. Most people are on board with my idea of visiting a new place every day while I'm unemployed, but they seem to draw a line when it comes to breweries. Apparently visiting a museum is fine, but traveling 45 minutes to refill my growler at Half Acre is a sign that I need to find a job.

Half Acre is pretty cool. I was warned that it's just one room, but I thought that room would be a bar. Instead, it really is just one room with some merchandise and some taps where you can refill your growler. Either way, the guy was nice and I got my growler refilled for $12. All in all, I'd call it a productive day. My night, however, was slightly less productive.

Bonus points if you recognize where my beer glass is from.

Chicago History Museum

2011-05-19T14:17:00.000-05:00

I have little to no interest in the history of Chicago, so I was bored to tears in this museum. It's probably pretty cool if it's something you're interested in, but I could not wait to leave.

Here's a picture of some bronze people in front of an old train car. That's about all the enthusiasm I can muster for this post.

I'm amused

2011-05-18T17:41:00.000-05:00

Loud cell-phone talker removed from quiet car by police

Two comments and then I'll stop before I get myself in trouble:
1) Not Lakeysha! This article caught me totally by surprise!
2) Since when does Amtrak have quiet cars?

Cultural Center

2011-05-17T14:15:00.001-05:00

I went to the Chicago Cultural Center a few days back. I suppose you get your first taste of Chicago's "culture" when you have to step over several sleeping bums to actually get in the building, but, once you're in, it's actually pretty cool.

There were a few exhibits to look at, like hand painted posters from Ghana, which were all interesting. I've been to the Cultural Center before, so I know that they do get some interesting stuff. For instance, a few years ago they did an exhibit on art inspired by orthopedic surgery which was a fascinating art show.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that they have interesting exhibits, but I'm used to any place with "cultural" in the title being full of crap solely dedicated to whatever minority happens to have a strong presence in the city.

For me, one of the most interesting parts was the Tiffany Dome. Like I said, I've been to the building before, but I never took the time to just wander around and see the entire building. As it turns out, there's a lot more to see than random art exhibits.

Musuem of Contemporary Art

2011-05-16T17:36:00.000-05:00

In case you haven't noticed, I don't really appreciate a lot of artsy stuff. The Museum of Contemporary Art was no exception.

When I look at a piece of art, I want to know what I'm looking at and I want the artwork to clearly demonstrate some sort of artistic ability. Yes, I'm that guy.

At the MCA, I can't help but think that my time is being wasted as I'm looking at some weird rendition of a Ren and Stimpy character being passed off as art:

Or, when the artwork is just a fucking keyhole with a nature scene when you look through it:

Or, when I'm looking at some sort of multi-colored nonsense:

Ok, fine, that last one is pretty cool. But, you can still find the exact same thing on a black-light poster in your stoner friend's apartment. Call me closed-minded, but this stuff is for hippies and I'd rather be at the Art Institute any day of the week.

Updates

2011-05-14T12:18:00.000-05:00

1) I printed out fake business cards for myself. Now, all of the randoms I meet visiting museums in the middle of the day will receive a card from "D, Esq." As long as they don't actually want me to perform any legal services, I should be in good shape.
2) A friend I work out with is a paralegal at a pretty good sized firm. One of the lawyers at the firm just left and they're looking for a replacement. He gave the partner my resume and said that I should expect a call.
3) A couple of days ago, I went to a fancy event at a club where my dad is a member. While I was there, I was at a table with a bunch of lawyers. One of them works at a firm that does med-mal defense and, once he heard that I'm interested in the area and my folks are both doctors, he asked me to send him my resume.
4) I'm back in my hometown again this weekend. The small town where my dad has been working recently is having a gala event and my dad wanted me to go. I tried to get out of it, but I don't have any good excuses at the moment. All my dad had to do say was, "What else are you doing? Do you have big, unemployed plans the next day? Didn't think so." Anyway, maybe I'll have a chance to pass out more of my fake business cards.
5) I'm still going one new place each day, but I just haven't had a chance to blog about it. Maybe I'll get back up to speed this weekend.

Best job application ever

2011-05-12T13:24:00.000-05:00

I just applied for some marketing job and the online application included two of the greatest questions I have ever seen. Before you read them, keep in mind that I am not making this up.

1) From the perspective of the turtle, write a 1st person description of a turtle’s greatest accomplishment (150 – 300 words).

2) Take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing a letter or two, and supply a new definition. Example: Caterpallor (n.), from "caterpillar": The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Based solely on these two questions, I really hope I get this job. I have no idea what the job would entail, but I feel like I would fit in well. Actually, I don't even know if I would fit in. I just think it would be an entertaining place to work.

Hellenic Musuem

2011-05-11T08:51:00.000-05:00

It's not often that I'm ashamed to be part Greek, but the Hellenic Museum pushed me over the edge. I guess they're moving to a new location in November, but that's no excuse for the shit-show they're calling a museum in the interim.

The main exhibit involves giant posters from the movie Percy Jackson and the Olympians along with explanations about how they tie into Greek culture. Here's a helpful hint: If your museum's biggest exhibit even remotely involves Percy Jackson and the Olympians, close your museum.

In other news, unemployment is starting to get to me and I'm about to start looking for some part-time work. I thought I'd be able to handle this for more than two weeks before going crazy, but I was wrong.

Bedtime

2011-05-08T21:59:00.000-05:00

I'm in my home town for Mother's Day. Every now and then, being here reminds me of being in high school.

I didn't grow up in an incredibly small town, but it's definitely no big city. Like most kids in small towns, my night-time entertainment options in high school involved getting falling-down-drunk/high or just giving up on my day and going to sleep. Ten years later, I'm sitting here staring down a fridge full of non-alcoholic beer wondering if 9pm is too early to call it a night.

Fuck it. I'm going to bed.

Military Library

2011-05-06T19:48:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I went to the Pritzker Military Library. In my experience, most military history museums are old, dirty, dark and boring. I don't know how it happens, but they always seem to end up in decrepit old buildings and they're usually full of crap donated by whatever local people happened to have been in a war. I'm not saying anything against the military, I'm just saying that military museums/exhibits usually suck and suck hard.

With that in mind, I went to this library expecting the worst but I was totally surprised. It's new, clean, bright and interesting. Who would have thought? Not this guy.

Even though it's right on Michigan Ave., you would never find the place unless you were specifically looking for it. If you look closely at the picture, you can see where it is on the second floor. When I got there, the librarians were super-friendly and kept asking me about how I found them. I imagine that the four patrons in the library (including myself) constitute a busy day, which is a shame because it's a pretty cool place.

Wheaton!

2011-05-05T10:31:00.000-05:00

I went to Wheaton to have dinner with some friends. I know it's kind of a stretch counting Wheaton as one of the new places I go each day, but it did take up the time I usually allocate for going to places.

I just don't want anyone to think I'm getting lazy and laying in bed all day. It's pretty tempting, but I'm not there yet.

Contemporary photography

2011-05-04T09:56:00.000-05:00

The other day, I went to the Museum of Contemporary Photography. It's right next to Spertus, so I could have done both in one day, but I've decided to spread things out just in case unemployment lasts longer than I'm expecting.

I wasn't all that impressed by the museum, but I'm just not artsy enough to appreciate art exhibits. There are actually a lot of photographs, which I guess is a good thing, but I finished looking at everything in about half an hour.

On the other hand, there were several artsy Columbia students looking around who seemed to be absolutely engrossed in the museum. Most of them spent a good ten minutes staring at each photo and will probably need an entire day to get through the whole museum. Yes, that seems very strange to me; but, maybe they know something I don't about art.

Newberry

2011-05-02T13:42:00.000-05:00

I went back to the Newberry Library and, this time, I came prepared. After giving the librarian my ID and a fake research topic, I was given a reader card and access to the rest of the library.

Overall, I thought it was pretty cool. I like a good library, and the Newberry is a great library. Unfortunately, for me, the best part of the library is also the worst part of the library. Namely, you can't wander through the stacks.

When I go to a library, half of the fun is spending a few hours wandering through the stacks of books just to see what they have. The University of Illinois Library, for instance, has something like ten stories of books that you can wander through and you can find some really cool, old stuff in there.

That being said, I love that they don't let patrons into the stacks at the Newberry. Instead, you have to look your book up on the computer and then ask a librarian to get it for you. Can you imagine how well-organized the stacks must be?!?

The biggest downside of letting people into library stacks is that an average person can't be trusted with basic organizational systems. As much as I enjoyed the U of I Library, the entire thing was an organizational cluster-fuck because people would put books back haphazardly. Honestly, the Dewey Decimal System is not that hard.

Ok, I used to work at the U of I Library and I'm sort of compulsively organized, so I should probably stop before I get into a full-blown rant about how to organize things.

Spertus

2011-04-29T13:38:00.000-05:00

My latest trip was to Spertus and it was a little underwhelming. It's a cool building and I like that they give you a pamphlet so that you can take a self-guided tour, but there's really not a whole lot to see. It's kind of like if Loyola or DePaul started giving tours of all of the Catholic stuff they have on their campus. Yeah, it's there, but it's not really enough to justify taking a tour.

I'm being a little harsh. They did have a somewhat interesting exhibit on Jewish history in Chicago.

Conservatory

2011-04-28T13:33:00.001-05:00

You know where you should go? The Lincoln Park Conservatory.

A lot of the time, I'll pretend to like places because I feel like I should. The Field Museum, for instance, is a really interesting and informative place. But, honestly, it hasn't changed since I first visited it twenty years ago and now I'm bored as shit after about ten minutes of wandering around staring at old stuff. It's one of those places where if you've seen it once, you never need, or want, to see it again.

The Lincoln Park Conservatory, on the other hand, was ridiculously cool and I actually want to go back. It was hot, it was humid and it was swarming with annoying college students taking a class on plants, but I had a great time. Admittedly, I'm a huge fan of nature, but I'd recommend this place for anyone.

Honestly, where else can you see this thing without going to a rainforest?

Also, I don't normally get excited about roses, but just look at this rose! Did it know I was coming?

If I lived in the area, I would totally be that weird guy who visits the Conservatory every day just for fun. It brightened up my day and, since the job search depression is starting to set in, I definitely needed some cheering up.

Surgery Museum

2011-04-27T12:26:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I went to the International Museum of Surgical Science. It was pretty interesting, but extremely creepy. Seriously, I would not recommend this place for kids unless you're taking them on Halloween as some sort of sick haunted house adventure. Even then, maybe think twice about it.

That being said, it was legitimately interesting. I particularly liked the old surgical instruments. It's not every day that you get to see old blood-letting instruments or an amputation saw. FYI, the amputation saw will definitely make you cringe.

I went on their free day, but there are two more floors containing a special exhibit on "Our Body" that I would have had to pay to see. Even though I wanted to see it, I'm in no position to be paying $20 every day to see special museum exhibits. I don't think unemployment provides a museum budget for dorks like me.

Unemployed adventures

2011-04-26T11:49:00.000-05:00

As I've mentioned before, I'm going to try to visit one new place each day while I'm unemployed. This will give me a reason to leave my apartment and will give me at least one thing to talk to other people about when they ask about my day. Believe it or not, telling people that I applied for jobs and then waited for my phone to ring gets pretty old.

Yesterday, I had big plans to visit the Newberry Library. Unfortunately, you apparently can't just wander around the library on your own. Instead, you need to go on one of the days that they have tours. Since I'm a pretty big library dork and really wanted to spend some time wandering around a new library, I was pissed.

Instead of wandering around the library like I wanted, I took a meandering two hour walk back to my place. I can't say it was as interesting as the library was going to be, but I guess I learned a couple of things.

Did you know that "Streeterville" was named after Captain George "Cap" Wellington Streeter? I sure didn't.

Updates

2011-04-21T09:09:00.000-05:00

There's no good news, but I guess there's still news.

1) My temporary work ran out the other day, so I'm officially unemployed again.
2) Over the weekend, I mailed out 250 copies of my resume to various firms in Chicago. We'll see how that goes.
3) One of my goals while unemployed is to visit someplace new every day. My first stop is going to be the Newberry Library. If anyone has suggestions of other interesting places to visit in Chicago, feel free to let me know.
4) A new round of French started and there are a lot of new people. Maybe one of them will want to hire an unemployed attorney.
5) On my last day, Attorney 2 sat me down for another heart-to-heart about what I should do with my life. My mom pretty much did the same thing yesterday. I must still not hide it very well that I don't want to push paperwork around as a lawyer. If anyone has ideas, I'm all ears.*

*Health insurance claims examiner has already been suggested and I'm looking into it. Just so you don't think I ignore suggestions.

What day is it?

2011-04-14T10:17:00.000-05:00

The new attorney around here is actually pretty entertaining. I suppose I'll call him Attorney 7. One of his telephone conversations today actually had me laughing out loud.

Deadbeat: Yelling!!!
Attorney 7: Mam...
Deadbeat: Yelling!!!
Attorney 7: Mam, may I interrupt?
Deadbeat: Yelling!!!
Attorney 7: Mam, I'm doing you a favor just by talking to you. I could easily just get this judgment against you tomorrow and let you be on your merry way.
Deadbeat: Yelling!!!
Attorney 7: Ok, today is not "Yell at Attorney 7 Day," so you're really going to have to stop that.
Deadbeat: Shocked silence...
Attorney 7: That's better.

He's Canadian, which makes the entire thing more hilarious.

Brief rant

2011-04-13T09:15:00.000-05:00

If you can read and/or talk on your cell phone while "working out," please go back to bed and stop cluttering up the gym at 6am. Some people actually want to work out and you're in the way.

Job interview...or not

2011-04-06T12:41:00.000-05:00

I got a call today for a job interview that came from a resume I sent out months ago. After listening to this attorney's three minute message, I gave him a call. Here's about how it went:

Lawyer: We're a small, burgeoning practice with a lot of business. In fact, it's more business than we can handle, which is why I need you.
Me: Ok, that sounds great.
Lawyer: However, there's one thing you should know - your first 60 to 90 days of pay will be deferred.
Me: I don't follow.
Lawyer: Well, we had an incident about eight years ago which severly depleted our capital reserves. As such, I'm in still in the process of building capital.
Me: I still don't follow.
Lawyer: I'm not saying you won't get paid. Your pay will simply be deferred.
Me: Ah.
Lawyer: After 60 to 90 days, provided our capital is sufficient...which it certainly will be...you will be compensated. Overall, this is a great opportunity.
Me: So, if I'm understanding you correctly, I would be working without pay for 60 to 90 days. Then, if, and only if, you have sufficient capital, I will be compensated for my work?
Lawyer: Yes.
Me: I think we're done here.

I don't have high standards, but I do have some standards. I'm fairly certain "deferred pay" isn't something I want to deal with.

The insanity continues

2011-04-03T21:15:00.000-05:00

Late last week, I got an email from my previous employer (Dick Boss) demanding that I pay any sanctions brought against his firm for something I screwed up my first week. Let me clarify this a little bit without giving away specific details.

My first week, I legitimately fucked something up while in court. My former boss decided to continue filing additional pleadings in this case, knowing that they were based on something that I had fucked up and that there was a risk things could go wrong. Last week, opposing counsel threatened to file a motion for sanctions based on the fact that my former boss continued to file said pleadings. Evidently, he thinks that he can make me pay the sanctions.

So far, every lawyer I've talked to has told me that this is ridiculous for a number of reasons. First, and foremost, a law firm just plain can't make one of its associates pay sanctions. The firm takes the hit, not the individual associate. Additionally, I was working under his supervision, he filed the subsequent pleadings, his name is on everything and I don't even work at the firm anymore.

I even called the ARDC and, while this isn't really an ethical issue, the lady told me that she couldn't think of any way that he could make me pay his sanctions. It's basically a new lawyer's job to fuck things up for the first several years that he's practicing and only a vindictive asshole would even attempt to make him pay sanctions. (I'm paraphrasing a bit, but not nearly as much as you'd think.)

So, if there was ever any doubt that I was working for a crazy person, this should clear things up. The general consensus is that I have nothing to worry about. Thoughts?

Job search updates

2011-03-27T17:36:00.000-05:00

My revived job search is officially underway, which is partially why I haven't had much time to blog recently. There's not really much to report so far, but here's how things are progressing:

1) I've sent my updated resume to just about everyone I know. I'm pretty sure this isn't going to accomplish anything, but you never know.

2) The new lawyer at my current firm is going to give me an updated copy of the Chicago four or more list. Apparently, he had a lot of luck with a mass mailing and that's how he landed this job. He says he sent out 600 resumes, so I've got some work to do.

3) I've all but given up on the idea that I'm going to find a job in an area that I really want to be in (namely, health-care). Instead, I'm tailoring my search to areas where I can actually pretend to have marketable experience. This pretty much narrows things down to real-estate and litigation. I really dislike litigation, so I'm hoping something in real-estate pulls through.

4) I'm trying to develop some sort of sales pitch to Attorney 2 regarding why he should hire me as an attorney. There are a lot of things in our practice that I do better than anyone else, which is one reason why they want me around right now. I'm just trying to figure out if I can finagle my way into an attorney position even though he knows that I only see it as a stepping stone. Yes, this is a long-shot.

5) The process of looking for jobs and the subsequent rejection is a big part of why I was so depressed several months ago. I'm resisting the urge to toss that depression scale back up on the blog.

Blogging

2011-03-22T10:15:00.000-05:00

It's been tough for me to blog lately. In case you want an explanation, here you go:

1) My work computer is shit. It can handle Word and internet, but internet is sometimes a struggle.

2) My computer screen faces the door. If you've followed my blog, you know how much I hate that.

3) I'm actually pretty busy fixing things at work.

4) Most of my free time has been spent looking for jobs.

Work situation

2011-03-16T13:54:00.000-05:00

I'm currently doing some work for my old firm. Oddly enough, this worked out pretty well for both myself and the firm. I was sort of surprised when Attorney 2 called and asked if I wanted some contract work, but the situation here explains it all.

Secretary 2 quit, the new clerk is off for the week, Attorney 5 is out having surgery and Attorney 6 got fired. That leaves Attorney 3 handing her cases, along with a collections practice which Attorney 6 turned into an unrecognizably disorganized mess. I couldn't have become unemployed at a better time.

I'm not very confident about my marketable skills but, if I do have one skill, it's that I'm compulsively organized about my work. Seriously, I do not fuck around about keeping everything organized and running smoothly and it seems like everyone started to realize this as soon as I left. So, I've been hired on for about a month just to get things organized again while they hire a new attorney.

Overall, it's not a bad situation. I have about a month of work, for which they're actually paying me pretty well, and I can use the computer here to send out my resume. Also, instead of being yelled at all day, every day, I'm actually around a group of people who I get along with. All in all, things could be a lot worse.

Updates

2011-03-08T15:25:00.000-06:00

1) For those of you who don't follow regularly, I'm unemployed.

2) Attorney 2 called today to offer me some contract work. He must have gotten my unemployment claim in the mail and, coincidentally, needs help because Attorney 6 isn't working out. (If you'll recall, he hired Attorney 6 rather than hiring me. This whole conversation made me smile.) Anyway, I left on good terms and I need work, so I'm going to do some contract work at my old firm. It sounds like they want me to start immediately.

3) I'm going on vacation with my girlfriend to Puerto Rico in a couple of days. Should be a nice way to clear my head.

4) My dad has a friend who sells medical supplies. In the past, he has suggested that, if I ever don't want to practice law, he could probably hook me up with a job in his company. I'm thinking it might be time to try my hand at selling medical supplies. Anybody need a hip?

5) I don't own Microsoft Word and have been trying to find a way to send my resume out using Google Docs. The problem is that it undergoes some slight formatting changes whenever I save it as a .doc file or as a pdf. While slight, these changes really fuck up my resume. If anyone has a solution to this problem, I'm all ears. I haven't tried Open Office yet, but it's next on my list.

Unemployment: Day 3

2011-03-04T14:05:00.000-06:00

As I mentioned in the comments, I suck at being unemployed. Normally, I like to have a very structured day where I'm occupied between the hours of 8am and 8pm. Between work and my various hobbies, I can usually accomplish that pretty easily. I know that's weird, but it's what I do.

Right now, filling up my days is a bit of a struggle. I'm sure the fact that I'm still waking up at 6am doesn't help, but there's a lot of time to fill. I don't want to fall back into my college habits of playing video games and drinking constantly, so I've been looking for jobs, working out a lot and cleaning compulsively.

Today, I'm cleaning the inside of my appliances. As long as my self-cleaning oven doesn't smoke me out of my apartment, I'll count it as a productive day. It could go either way right now.

Unemployment ground rules

2011-03-03T15:07:00.000-06:00

Having been unemployed for a day now, I feel like I'm going to need to set up some basic ground rules just in case this lasts for a while.

Unemployment Rule #1: Don't buy booze in handles.

Two nights and half a handle of bourbon into unemployment, I've realized that I can't be trusted with handles of booze. Bottles? Fine. I can keep track of how much I've had to drink based on how much is left in the bottle. Handles? Nope. I just keep going because the level of liquid never seems to change.

As long as I don't have anywhere to be the next day, for the sake of my health, I'm probably going to need several more rules about how much and how often I'm allowed to drink.

Things that I'm not: employed

2011-03-02T13:30:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I was "let go" from my job. At around noon, I got an email from Office Manager saying that he needed to meet with me at 4:45pm. I knew nothing good was going to come from this meeting, but I didn't quit realize I was going to get fired.

In a nutshell, they ran out of work for me to do. If you follow my blog, you know that I was recently moved from my initial attorney position to a different position where I was doing mostly insurance subrogation collections. We were supposed to get a few hundred of these cases, so I was going to be really busy - or, so I was told.

As of yesterday, we had received fourteen subrogation files. As of the middle of last week, I had finished working on all of them. Evidently, I should have slowed the fuck down.

If they get any more files, they'll give me a call to do some work on an hourly basis but, as of right now, I'm out of work. The part that really pisses me off is that my Boss didn't even have the balls to tell me this in person. He wasn't even in the office at the time, so I couldn't go out in a blaze of glory.

On the bright side, it's not like I lost a job that I liked. Coincidentally, I have a meeting with my college's alumni career services person today. Maybe that will be enlightening.

Office supplies

2011-02-27T19:00:00.000-06:00

Tuesday
Old Lawyer: Do you know where the pens are?
Me: I'm not really sure. I brought this one from home.
Old Lawyer: Where do we keep the pens?
Secretary: Oh, Dick Boss doesn't supply pens.
Old Lawyer: Seriously, I need a pen.
Secretary: Well, I'd suggest you bring one from home.
Old Lawyer: Right...

Wednesday
Dick Boss: Hey, here are three pens. Maybe this will make Old Lawyer stop complaining.
Me: Thanks....MB Bank?
Dick Boss: They're free.
Me: Of course.

Thursday
Dick Boss: Got more pens for you guys.
Me: MB Bank?
Dick Boss: Free is free.

Friday
Dick Boss: More pens.
Me: Free is free.

Gotta hand it to the guy, we can't complain about not having pens anymore.

Ridiculous

2011-02-23T19:45:00.000-06:00

I've had a little bit of a stressful week. I don't even know where to start on this mess, so here's a series of conversations that happened at my work at the end of last week. Those of you who like to insult me will absolutely love this.

Thursday
Dick Boss: You're still fucking everything up to the point where I can't trust you to handle your cases. This isn't a demotion, but I'm taking all of your cases away from you.
Office Manager: Yeah.
Me: What?
Dick Boss: We just got a ton of collections cases and we hired some old lawyer to work on them part time. We were going to hire someone to help him out, but, instead, we're moving you to that position and hiring someone new to do your old job.
Office Manager: Yeah.
Dick Boss: Any questions?
Me: I wouldn't even know where to start.

Thursday late afternoon
Me: Hey, what the fuck happened?
Office Manager: You can't be trusted on your cases.
Me: Helpful. Who's going to be handling them?
Office Manager: We've been thinking about hiring this new guy.
Me: Anything else I should know?
Office Manager: Not really.

Friday Morning
Secretary: Why is your stuff in that office?
Me: What?
Secretary: That isn't your office anymore.
Me: What?
Secretary: It's the new guy's office. D, meet the new guy.
Me: Seriously? He starts today? What? Fine. Where is my new office.
Secretary: You're sharing one with Old Lawyer.
Me: Awesome.

Friday Noon
Other Associate: I need to talk to you.
Me: Is this about what I think it is?
Other Associate: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!?! I go to your office this morning and somebody else is there. What the fuck?!?
Me: Well, evidently, I am fucking everything up and can't be trusted with my cases. I take it you didn't hear about this. Thoughts?
Other Associate: This if fucking ridiculous.
Me: Correct.
Other Associate: Listen, as far as I'm concerned, you're doing fine. Everything you do is getting consistently better and I can only think of one thing you actually fucked up. And that was on your second day.
Me: Thanks. I didn't think you were in on this.
Other Associate: If you're looking for a new job, and I assume you will be after this, feel free to use me as a reference.

I am now sitting at a conference table in the corner of a windowless office I share with some old lawyer. And, I'm doing collections. This has not been a good week.

Intimidation

2011-02-16T14:50:00.000-06:00

Today, I was all set to argue my first motion to dismiss. The briefs were all done by the guy before me, so I was a little worried because our response sucked. Nevertheless, I was going to kick some ass. Opposing counsel must have been able to tell he was in trouble.

Me: Good afternoon, your honor. My name is D and I'm here on behalf of plaintiff.
Opposing counsel: Your honor, I'd like to withdraw my motion.

And that's how it's done.

I've been set up

2011-02-14T14:48:00.000-06:00

Boss: Have you ever reviewed a settlement agreement before?
Me: No.
Boss: well, here, review this by Monday.
Me: And by "review," you specifically mean...
Boss: Review it by Monday!!!
Me: Ok!!!

Me: So, by "review" what do you figure he wants?
Other associate: Have you been involved with the settlement?
Me: No.
Other associate: Have you seen any of the settlement documents referenced here?
Me: No.
Other associate: Has dick boss been doing this all on his own and just threw this at you?
Me: Yes.
Other associate: You're fucked. Look at the file, review what you can and hope for the best.
Me: awesome.

The job search continues

2011-02-09T20:16:00.000-06:00

I know, I know - I have a job and I should just be thankful for that. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful to have a job and I won't be quitting any time soon, but I don't think that should stop me from looking for a job that I will actually enjoy.

That being said, my undergrad alumni association offers some career services and I signed up to take some sort of career interests test along with a couple of guidance sessions. I did something similar in college, but I've had a lot more time to think things through and I think I'll get more out of it this time around.

Even if nothing comes of it, it was reasonably priced and it can't hurt to get some input.

Yelling v. Productivity

2011-02-07T15:10:00.001-06:00

I've noticed that getting yelled at basically destroys my productivity. Every time my dick boss yells at me, I spend a good part of the next hour staring out my window, daydreaming about bludgeoning him to death.

The amount of time I waste is usually proportionate to how long the yelling lasted. Today, the yelling lasted long enough that I've had time to write a blog post.

And he wonders why my billable hours suck.

Conversation of the day

2011-02-03T19:48:00.000-06:00

Tuesday afternoon, my boss decided to take us out for a few drinks in honor of the blizzard. He left at around 4:30pm and told us to stay as long as we wanted and to put the drinks on his tab. Mistake.

Here's today's conversation between my Boss and our Office Manager.

Office Manager: Hey, the tab was a little higher than usual.
Boss: It couldn't be that bad. What was it? Over $200?
Office Manager: Yes.
Boss: $300?
Office Manager: Higher...
Boss: $400?!?
Office Manager: Higher...
Boss: $500!?!
Office Manager: About $550.
Boss: What?!? How is that possible!?! The last time I left you guys out the tab was $180! What the fuck happened?!? God damn it!!

That just made my day. Also, if you ever think about getting trashed and then trying to get home in the middle of a blizzard, don't. Just a friendly piece of advice.

Moving

2011-01-30T22:10:00.000-06:00

We recently moved to a new suite in our building. Before moving our stuff, Office Manager sent out an email telling us that we had to come in on Saturday to move. For some reason, he and my Dick Boss decided that Saturday would be a better time to do this than after work on a weekday. I was pissed.

After work on Thursday, I noticed that Other Associate had already moved all of his stuff to the new office. The ensuing conversation is a great example of why we get along.

Me: Are you coming in this weekend?
Other Associate: Pfft, fuck no.
Me: Haha, I wish I had the balls to do that.
Other Associate: Yeah, Office Manager just sent me his typical bitchy email about how disappointed he is and how disappointed our Dick Boss is going to be. But, no. Fuck that. I've got shit to do.

I love that. Also, after he mentioned it, I realized that "bitchy" is the perfect was to describe Office Manager. He always tries to communicate using HR language rather than talking like a normal person, which makes him come across as a little bitch.