Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Year-end reviews

Today our office manager announced that we'd be having our year-end reviews on Friday.  Now, I understand the concept of a year end review if you work for a big company, have little contact with your supervisors, and your job security is based on your performance.  However, none of that applies to my current job.  My boss could just as easily just walk into my office, say "good job, Nick." and be done with it.

Here's the gist of how my year-end reviews have gone for the past two years years:
Year 1: You're doing great.
Year 2: You're still doing great.  Sorry we can't hire you as an attorney, but good luck on the job search.  If you need any help, we'll be of no assistance whatsoever just ask.  Give me the list of firms you've sent your resume to and I'll do nothing see if I know anyone.  Also, let me see your cover letter so that I can fuck it up because I write like a 5th grader give you pointers.  I also have some retarded suggestions about other things you could apply for - like deep sea salvage or working on an off-shore oil rig.

Here's my full prediction for this year:
Attorney 2: You're still a great clerk, though you kind of give off an air that you don't want to be here.
Me: I don't want to be here.  I'm trying to work on that.
Attorney 2: As far as your work goes, I don't have any complaints.
Me: How could you?  I'm awesome and a ten year old could do my job.  Thanks.
Attorney 5: I'm going to try to give you some more interesting stuff to work on to get you away from collections.
Me: Don't lie to me.  That would be great.
Attorney 2: How's the job search coming along?
Me: Sucks.  Nobody is hiring attorneys right now.  That's why I'm still working here.
Attorney 2: I know, the job market is tough right now.  Keep your head up though, something will come along.  Until then, you can keep clerking here.  I should put a four year max on clerking.  Haha!
Me: That joke wasn't funny last year either.  How about you go fuck yourself and take this job with you.  Haha.  Hopefully it won't come to that.
Attorney 2: Keep up the good work and have fun at our xmas party tonight.
Me:  I plan on drinking you out of business.  I plan on drinking you out of business.

I'll keep you posted if anything turns out differently.


  1. Wow, networking really works. You're actually working for an attorney and impressing him, and it still isn't leading to any contacts or job opportunities. If you're doing collection work for him anyway, why can't he just call you an "associate"? Heck, at the unpaid internship I left, the attorney even said he would let me do everything an attorney would do (like appear in court) if I stayed on after I was licensed. Essentially, he'd give me any title I wanted as long as I worked for free and didn't mind working in a closet.

  2. I'm the employer in that scenario, but that is some funny shit.

    We want our employee to move on for everyone's sake, but no one's hiring.

    This economy blows.