Attention to detail

Whenever anyone new starts, Attorney 2 has a huge lecture he gives about the importance of attention to detail and how any small error can completely fuck up a case.  Afterward, I usually give my own lecture about how most mistakes can be fixed and that this job really isn't that hard because, seriously, it's just filling in blanks.  This new clerk is making me eat my words and actually causing me to repeat parts of Attorney 2's lecture.

Pleadings Attempt #1
New Clerk: Here you go.
Me: ...ok, it's not bad.  But, this is wrong, this is wrong, this is wrong and this is wrong.  Just go off of the sample I gave you and use the cheat sheet I made up.
New Clerk: Ok, I'll go fix it.

Pleadings Attempt #2
New Clerk: Here you go.
Me: Ok...this is still wrong, this is still wrong and this is still wrong.  You did notice that I circled the errors in the first one, right?
New Clerk: How did I miss those?!?  I'll go fix it.

Pleadings Attempt #3
New Clerk: Do you want to review this before I print it out?
Me: No.  This is the third try.  I can't imagine anything is wrong.
New Clerk.  Ok, here you go.
Me: ...ok, seriously?  You're still claiming the wrong dollar amount.  Listen, the hardest part of this job is ATTENTION TO DETAIL.  If the slightest thing is wrong EVERYTHING WILL BE FUCKED UP. 

Oh my god, Attorney 2 might actually be right about needing to give that lecture.  Just so you know, three pleadings that would usually take me half an hour just took two and a half hours.  Things should get fun when I leave.

New guy

I guess the new clerk starts tomorrow.  Attorney 2 requested that I devise some sort of a schedule of activities and a general game-plan on how I'm going to teach him everything.  Not to demean this job, but....no, wait, that's exactly what I want to do.  As long as this clerk doesn't have a habit of eating paste and/or running with scissors, I probably don't need a "game-plan" to train him.

He's supposed to show up tomorrow at 9am.  If he's anything like your average law student, that means he'll be here around 8:45am.  I kind of want to call and tell him not to do that unless he really wants to be waiting around for the next 20 minutes for me to show up.

Also, a week is way more than I need to train this guy.  I can't imagine how boring and awkward this is going to be. 

Interview reaction

Attorney 2: How'd the interview go?
Me: Ok.  It was about the same as the others.
Attorney 2: Not in a garage or a shack like the last one, right?
Me: Nope.  It was in the loop, which was a big selling point for me.
Attorney 2: Do you think it went well?
Me: It really was about the same as the others.  I got along with the guys pretty well, but when they start asking specific questions about my experience I'm kind of stuck.
Attorney 2: Yeah, I'm sure it's depressing trying to answer those questions given your experience.
Me: No shit.  Yeah, it can be.
Attorney 2: We've got to find some more stuff for you to do around here.
Me: LIKE I'VE BEEN REQUESTING FOR YEARS, DICKHEAD!  Yeah, that'd be great.

I need to make sure all throwable objects are out of reach whenever I talk to my boss.  He almost took a stapler to the face after that one.

So sad

Secretary 2 hates eating lunch when Attorney 2 is in our kitchen.  She thinks he has disgusting eating habits and says that eating with him ruins her lunch.  Granted, he's not a tidy eater, but telling everyone that he ruins your lunch is a little melodramatic.

Everyone hates eating lunch with Secretary 2.  We all think she talks too much, about inappropriate things, and eating with her is a pain in the ass.  On a semi-related note, she's actually the reason our secretaries have assigned eating times, but that's a story for another day.

Today, Attorney 2 is in our kitchen eating during Secretary 2's lunch time.  Secretary 2 is pouting (or, whatever the fat and disgusting version of pouting is) and eating lunch at her desk.  I'm sure Attorney 2 is enjoying his peace and quiet while reading old gossip magazines.

I don't often say this, but...Attorney 2 FTW.

Don't give me ideas

As I was refilling our postage machine, Attorney 2 told me a story about a disgruntled secretary at his previous firm.  Whenever she was angry with her boss, she would print postage on pieces of scratch paper and then just throw them away.  I guess she would go through hundreds of dollars worth of postage each time.

I'm not sure why he thought telling me this was a good idea.  Not that I'd ever do it...it's just food for thought.

Slow day

I'm having yet another slow day of doing nothing but mindlessly filing.  On the bright side, I've figured out why I have nothing to do - Attorney 6 is actually doing everything.  Well, attempting to, at least.

Attorney 3 told me that, while they were all yelling at Attorney 6 the other day, Attorney 2 told him to give stuff to me if he was overwhelmed.  Apparently, Attorney 2's quote was, "You need to pass some of this stuff on to D.  He can do most of what you do faster than anyone in this office."

If I were Attorney 6, I wouldn't give me anything to do either.  The guy must be scared to death that I'm going to take his job if it looks like he can't handle it.  Unfortunately, I don't think that's something he needs to worry about.

Just so you don't think I'm lazy, I would actually ask for more stuff to do, but that's how I became "king of the closed files" a couple of years ago.  Not making that mistake again.

You're not understanding

Yesterday, Attorney 6 got reamed by Attorney 3 and it was awesomely brutal.  In no particular order, here are my top five favorite quotes by Attorney 3:

1) I feel like you're not understanding this.
2) How are you not understanding this?
3) This is not that hard to understand.
4) Repeat what I just said so that I know you're understanding this.
5) How hard is it to do this right?

Here are a few observations:

1) I am 85% sure Attorney 6 went to the bathroom to compose himself afterward.  Sack up, man.  You're not allowed to cry at work.

2) One of the things he got yelled at for was some dumbass thing Attorney 2 told him to do.  I feel a little bad about that one.

3) I'd like to point out that, in over three years of working here, I have never done anything so consistently wrong that it warranted getting yelled at.  Thank god they didn't hire me.  That would have been a HUGE mistake...

4) Secretary 2 got pulled in at one point and did a fine job of throwing Attorney 6 under the bus.  I felt a little bad about that, too.

5) Attorney 6 ended his day by getting dragged into our conference room for a meeting with Attorney 2, Attorney 3 and Business Manager.

I'm sure there will be repercussions from this.  Updates to follow.

Updates

1) Insurance defense firm still hasn't called.  Now, I'm more pissed off than depressed.  Seriously, calling me back is just common courtesy.  I'll probably do a full post/rant on this one.

2) I have another job interview on Tuesday.

3) At the suggestion of one of my readers, I've started reading French news.  It's actually an interesting and challenging way to pass the time.  So, thank you random reader.  That was a good suggestion.

4) My degenerating mental health must be pretty noticeable.  Today's conversation with Attorney 2 went something like this:
Attorney 2: How's it going?
Me: Ok.
Attorney 2: Are you really ok?
Me: Yeah.
Attorney 2: Ok, well, you don't have the usual spring in your step.
Me: Yeah, it's been a rough week.

Attorney 2 isn't a very perceptive guy.  If he's noticing that I'm bummed out, I must be oozing depression.

5) All things considered, I'm actually in a pretty good mood today.  I always do the same "birthday workout" around my birthday to gauge how I'm doing year to year.  I did it this morning and I beat my record from last year.  Go me!

Potential

Just got a 2nd interview at the insurance defense firm and my hopes are up big time.  That's three interviews and three 2nd interviews all in the span of one week.  The buildup alone is driving me crazy.  Next week has potential to go very well, or very badly.  I'm hoping it goes very well.

On a related note, my boss offered to write a letter on my behalf to my interviewers at the insurance defense firm.  I don't really know what to do with this.  On one hand, what harm can it do?  On the other hand, can it do any harm?

Despite the amount of shit I talk about him on this blog, he's a pretty nice guy and would definitely build me up pretty good in a letter.  But, he's definitely not the sharpest tool in the shed, so I don't want some random letter to hurt my chances at getting a legit job. 

Right now, I'm leaning towards not having him send a letter.  The whole thing feels like something that people don't actually do.

I honestly don't know what to do on this one.  Any input would be great.

Bringing it back

About a year ago, Attorney 2 decided to give himself a nickname and, for a couple of weeks, insisted that we refer to him by his new nickname.  Granted, he was sort of joking around about the whole thing, but the effect was the same as if he had actually given himself a nickname - - he came across as the biggest tool imaginable.

For those weeks, I openly embraced the new nickname.  It was the perfect, really.  He genuinely thought that I was kissing his ass by playing along with his new game.  When, in reality, I was openly making fun of the fact that he's a giant tool.

Unfortunately, Business Manager understood what was going on and repeatedly requested that I stop.  Eventually, I had to give in.

Earlier this week, Attorney 2 mentioned that nobody had called him by his nickname in a long time.  If that's not a sign to bring back the nickname, I don't know what is!  I've only been chided by Business Manager once so far, so I think I've got at least another week of fun before I have to stop.

Apparently, you CAN unsay "I quit."

Secretary 2 managed to un-quit.  I have a number of problems with this, but I think my biggest issue is how badly my boss pussed out.

I recently found out that he's the one who went to her, in an attempt to keep her around.  She annoys everybody, thinks she's too good for her job, talks back to him, and HE went to HER.  This blows my mind.

The woman was obviously bluffing.  Not only is she in no position to quit her job (alimony and child support only goes so far), Attorney 3 just informed me that she has threatened to quit on four previous occasions.  FOUR!

The appropriate response would have been for Attorney 2 to bid Secretary 2 a fond farewell and then wait for her to come crawling. And, come crawling she would.

Then, Secretary 2 could have been put in her place and Attorney 2 wouldn't have lost the respect of the entire office.  Doesn't that sound like a better idea?  Most of my firm thinks so.  We've discussed it a bit...

The day after what would have been her last day, I'm just going to stare at her when I get to work, then become visibly depressed.  I think she'll get the message.

You can't unsay "I quit"

Secretary 2 has been in Attorney 2's office for the past half hour.  From what I know of her, I'm assuming she's trying to explain why she quit or trying to get her job back...via complaining and back-talk.  I'm not sure that's the route I'd take but, then again, I'm not an insufferable bitch. 

On an unrelated note, "you can't unsay 'I quit'" is something I tell myself almost every day.  Never thought I'd work it into a blog post about someone else.

It's stuff like this

My boss comes across as a really nice guy.  If it's been a while since his last douchebag move, I find myself liking the guy.  Luckily, stuff like this keeps happening to remind me of how I really feel.

Every week, I ask for some actual lawyer work and every week I get the same response, "Of course I'll give you some lawyer work.  I've always got my eyes open for new stuff to give you.  We'll get you some more interesting stuff to work on pretty soon."

I should know better, but I get my hopes up.  I think to myself, maybe, just maybe, this is going to be the week it actually happens.  This is the week when Attorney 2 is going to walk into my office, set out a complicated legal problem he's having and ask me to help him take care of it.

Needless to say, that's not quite how things work.

Attorney 5: Attorney 2 has a project for you.
Me: Finally!  I knew he'd pull through eventually!
Attorney 5: ...yeah...our shelves are getting a little full.  So, here's a list of our current clients.  If you could weed out the files of clients we don't represent anymore, that would be great.
Me: What?

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

I get along with most people.  Seriously, I may come across as a dick in this blog, but there are very few people I legitimately don't get along with.  Secretary 2 is one of those few people.  Her complaining, back-talking, I'm-to-good-for-this-job personality fucking sets me off.

I was going to do a whole post about how I went off on her yesterday, but watching my boss start to lose it this morning was way more entertaining. 

Attorney 2: How are you answering when clients ask you about Attorney 4 (who's last day was yesterday)?
Secretary 2: I'm saying this ____.
Attorney 2: Instead, say this ____.
Secretary 2: I've been doing this for thirteen years.  I know how to respond to clients.
Attorney 2: Is this bitch serious?  That's great, but I'm telling you how I want it to be done.
Secretary 2: I know, but I think the way I'm doing it is essentially the same.
Attorney 2: This bitch IS serious!  It's my firm; you'll do things my way.

The incredulous look in his eye when she back-talks him in front of the entire firm is priceless.  I cannot fucking wait for him to snap.  It's going to be amazing.

On the bright side

Sometime, I have to take a minute to look at the bright side of things.  It gets harder every day, but here's my attempt at putting a positive spin on my job search and life in general.

1) I just sent out about 120 resumes.  With any luck, one of those firms will actually call me back.  Yeah, I've already gotten a lot of rejections, but some of them were very nice about it.  I feel good about my prospects.
2) Per Gus' suggestion, I'm about to add PI firms to my list.  That will include a lot more firms and, hopefully, dramatically improve my chances of getting a job.
3) Attorney 2 still says he's going to find some actual lawyer work for me to do.  Granted, I've been reminding him about this for a long time now and I've seen nothing come of it, but he still says he's going to do it.  Maybe it'll actually happen one of these days.
4) Attorney 6 is still being trained, so he's doing most of the stuff I usually do.  That leaves me with plenty of time to send out my resume while at work.
5) I only work 9-5, so I have plenty of free time to pursue my other interests.  I'm making the best of that while it lasts.
6) Our main database program crashed this morning and has thrown everyone who cares into a absolute frenzy.  Man, this is fun to watch.
7) My resume does look pretty nice now that I'm calling myself an attorney.  Granted, I'm not sure Attorney 2 will be cool with what I've done, but, if I have to cope with getting passed over for a job, he's going to have to cope with me taking some creative liberties regarding my position in this firm.

I know, that was a little forced.  You work with what you've got.

You have got to be fucking kidding

You have got to be fucking kidding.

That pretty much sums up how I feel about the new guy.  For the moment, I'm going to call him "Attorney 6," but I think a new nickname is in this guy's future.

Don't get me wrong, he seems like a nice guy.  He's personable and easy to talk to, but, as I've mentioned, my problem isn't with him.  My problem is with my boss' decision to hire him; which, as far as I can tell, was made while huffing glue.

First, he went to one of the worst law schools in the country AND it's not even in this state.  Don't get me wrong, regardless of where they stand in the rankings, I don't consider my law school any better than the other schools in the city.  They're all basically the same.  But, to hire someone from an out-of-state shitty law school?  Are you fucking kidding?

Second, you're never going to guess when he graduated.  Well, if you've noticed a trend in my life lately, maybe you will guess.  2009.  Yes, that is one year AFTER I graduated from law school.  So, not only does he have no experience with this firm, he even has less general experience than I do.

This is just fantastic.  Fan-fucking-tastic.

SCRAM Bracelet

Here are two conversations I've had with my co-workers during lunch.  The girls bring in a lot of gossip magazines, so we were talking about Lindsay Lohan.  Don't judge me.

Monday
Me: I wonder how those SCRAM bracelets work.
Attorney 5: They take a small blood sample every hour.
Me: So, this thing periodically stabs you in the ankle over the course of the day?
Attorney 5: Yes.
Me: Haha, did you actually think I would believe that?
Attorney 5: It would have been funny.

Wednesday
Me: I keep forgetting to look up how this SCRAM bracelet works.
Attorney 2: I heard it takes a small blood sample every hour.
Me: Oh my god, stop!  Who would actually believe that?
Attorney 2: Believe what?  That's how it works.
Attorney 5: About that...
Me: Ahahaha

Smoke and mirrors

As I've mentioned, I'm beginning to go to court.  This is part of Attorney 2's "smoke and mirrors" idea of allowing me to call myself an attorney for resume purposes, yet not actually hiring me on as an associate.

Now, I'm faced with the problem of how to appropriately phrase this on my resume.  Here's what I have to work with:
1) I've been working here for over three years;
2) I was licensed in 2008;
3) The "smoke and mirrors" has only been in effect for three weeks;
4) I'm not actually an associate;
5) I desperately need a new job.

If you have any ideas about the best way to work "attorney" into my resume, I'm open to suggestions.

How we do it

Here's how we do court.  Since I was going over anyway, I decided to stay and watch the whole process.

Pre-Court (Specifically, 10:41am)
Attorney 3: Can you do me a HUGE favor?
Me: Sure.
Attorney 3: I'm waiting on one last document from our client, but I need you to come to court with me and file these affirmative defenses before our case is up.
Me: No problem.  When is this case up?
Attorney 3: 11:00am.  I'm hoping we get that document in the next five minutes.

Court
Me: Here's a copy of our affirmative defenses.
Opposing Counsel: Is this a date stamp from two minutes ago?
Me: Of course not.  Who would do that?

Judge: Let's talk jury instructions.
Opposing Counsel: Ok.
Attorney 3: Um, you never gave those to us.
Opposing Counsel: Yes, we did.  I gave them to Attorney 2 the last time we were in court.  Did he not give those to you?  Here's an extra copy.
Attorney 3: Oh, of course.  I've totally seen these before.

Post-court
Attorney 3: I'm going to kill Attorney 2

Waiting

Some guy just came in to interview for Attorney 4's position.  As he was walking in, my boss walk walking out to use the bathroom.  He quickly said, "Hey John, I'm hitting the restroom really quick, but I'll be out for the interview in just a minute."

As I've mentioned before, my bosses trips to the restroom are of epic length.  It has already been twenty minutes and there's no sign of him.  This guy is in for quite a wait.

Just so that it's out in the open, yes, I'm the one who greets people at the door for interviews; and, yes, it's slowly killing me.