Slow day

I'm having yet another slow day of doing nothing but mindlessly filing.  On the bright side, I've figured out why I have nothing to do - Attorney 6 is actually doing everything.  Well, attempting to, at least.

Attorney 3 told me that, while they were all yelling at Attorney 6 the other day, Attorney 2 told him to give stuff to me if he was overwhelmed.  Apparently, Attorney 2's quote was, "You need to pass some of this stuff on to D.  He can do most of what you do faster than anyone in this office."

If I were Attorney 6, I wouldn't give me anything to do either.  The guy must be scared to death that I'm going to take his job if it looks like he can't handle it.  Unfortunately, I don't think that's something he needs to worry about.

Just so you don't think I'm lazy, I would actually ask for more stuff to do, but that's how I became "king of the closed files" a couple of years ago.  Not making that mistake again.

Things I'm not

Sometimes, I feel like I should make a list of "things I'm not" and distribute it to everyone I know.  For instance, I am not sympathetic to any problems arising out of the hiring of Attorney 6.  I don't know why Attorney 3 chose to have the following conversation with me, but she did.

Attorney 3: Oh my god, I just don't understand how he's having so much trouble.
Me: Yeah, that's a tricky one.
Attorney 3: He just keeps making the same mistakes over and over again.
Me: Yeah.
Attorney 3: I mean, like, a monkey could do his job!
Me: I know.
Attorney 3: Do you know how many hours of my day I spend trying to walk him through things again and again?!?
Me: If only there had been a simple way to avoid that problem...

"Things I'm not" is definitely going to be a recurring topic on my blog.

You're not understanding

Yesterday, Attorney 6 got reamed by Attorney 3 and it was awesomely brutal.  In no particular order, here are my top five favorite quotes by Attorney 3:

1) I feel like you're not understanding this.
2) How are you not understanding this?
3) This is not that hard to understand.
4) Repeat what I just said so that I know you're understanding this.
5) How hard is it to do this right?

Here are a few observations:

1) I am 85% sure Attorney 6 went to the bathroom to compose himself afterward.  Sack up, man.  You're not allowed to cry at work.

2) One of the things he got yelled at for was some dumbass thing Attorney 2 told him to do.  I feel a little bad about that one.

3) I'd like to point out that, in over three years of working here, I have never done anything so consistently wrong that it warranted getting yelled at.  Thank god they didn't hire me.  That would have been a HUGE mistake...

4) Secretary 2 got pulled in at one point and did a fine job of throwing Attorney 6 under the bus.  I felt a little bad about that, too.

5) Attorney 6 ended his day by getting dragged into our conference room for a meeting with Attorney 2, Attorney 3 and Business Manager.

I'm sure there will be repercussions from this.  Updates to follow.

Oh, he's that guy

When I was in school, I remember my teachers periodically going over material designed to make us better test takers.  A lot of it was common sense advice that had all of the students rolling their eyes, wondering who could possibly need to hear this particular lecture.

One piece of advice was always, "Make sure you answer the question!"  I'm sure everyone has heard that advice before and I'm sure everyone had the same "no shit" reaction.  Well, today I found out why it's always included in test-taking advice.

Attorney 6: Did you get a chance to review the email I'm sending to the client?
Attorney 3: Yeah.  Having read through her initial email, you haven't answered her question.
Attorney 6: What?
Attorney 3: Well, she had a question that she wanted answered.  You proceeded to tell her the law, which she already knew.  Then, you stopped.
Attorney 6: Um...so, what should I do?
Attorney 3: ...do you know the answer?
Attorney 6: Yes.
Attorney 3: So...
Attorney 6: Include that in my email?
Attorney 3: Wow. Yes.

Part of school is actually applicable to real life.  Who would have thought?

Wasted time

The other day, I spent my entire morning stuffing envelopes and mailing out legal documents.  That afternoon, Attorney 6 came into my office and sarcastically asked if I wanted to hear some great news.  Before I could respond, Attorney 3 shouted for him to wait because she wanted to see my face.

What was the news?  Attorney 6 had put the wrong dollar amount on all of the documents and they all needed to be redone.  I had effectively wasted my entire morning and would need to resend everything the next day.

What my my reaction?  Complete indifference.

It has gotten to the point where, even if I throw my work directly into a trash can, I feel the same amount of fulfillment as if everything had been done properly.*

Needless to say, Attorney 3 was pretty disappointed by my reaction.

*It could just be this job, but I honestly don't understand how anyone can get any fulfillment from being a lawyer.  No matter how much I've "accomplished" at the end of the day, it's still the exact same pile of paperwork waiting for me in the morning.   I suppose the same could be said for just about any office job, but this has bothered me for a while. 

See Me!

Attorney 6 has a few annoying habits, but one of my least favorites is that he leaves files on my desk with a post-it that just says, "See me."

I'm even not sure why this pisses me off, but it does.  It's a pretty reasonable request, I guess.  "See me" regarding this file.  What's so wrong about that?  I mean, other than the fact that I'm being ordered around by someone who should be my clerk....though, come to think of it, that's definitely part of the problem.

Anyway, another part of the problem goes back to when I was in school.  I was never very academically inclined, so I constantly got tests, quizzes and homework assignments back with a giant, red, "See Me!" written across the top.

Let me tell you, nothing good ever came from a test with "See Me!" written on it.  Inevitably, I got a lecture about how I clearly hadn't been paying attention in class, that I wasn't working up to my potential, and that school was too important to blow off.  Never, in twenty years of schooling, was "See Me!" followed by a congratulatory speech about how well I'd done on an assignment.

Those experiences must have stuck with me, because a note saying "See Me" still pisses me off.  I know Attorney 6 probably just wants me to explain something to him (so that he doesn't have to ask Attorney 3) but I still see the note and start seething.  I might want to get this under control before I blow up based on a post-it.

On the bright side, at least he's not doing it in red pen.

Apparently, you CAN unsay "I quit."

Secretary 2 managed to un-quit.  I have a number of problems with this, but I think my biggest issue is how badly my boss pussed out.

I recently found out that he's the one who went to her, in an attempt to keep her around.  She annoys everybody, thinks she's too good for her job, talks back to him, and HE went to HER.  This blows my mind.

The woman was obviously bluffing.  Not only is she in no position to quit her job (alimony and child support only goes so far), Attorney 3 just informed me that she has threatened to quit on four previous occasions.  FOUR!

The appropriate response would have been for Attorney 2 to bid Secretary 2 a fond farewell and then wait for her to come crawling. And, come crawling she would.

Then, Secretary 2 could have been put in her place and Attorney 2 wouldn't have lost the respect of the entire office.  Doesn't that sound like a better idea?  Most of my firm thinks so.  We've discussed it a bit...

The day after what would have been her last day, I'm just going to stare at her when I get to work, then become visibly depressed.  I think she'll get the message.

Breaking news

Secretary 2 just quit!  Hoorah!

For the record, I had nothing to do with this.  I think she had just annoyed everyone at our firm so much that she could tell the hostility was starting to boil over.  Attorney 3 actually texted me at 9:00pm last night just to complain about her.

Hoorah!

How we do it

Here's how we do court.  Since I was going over anyway, I decided to stay and watch the whole process.

Pre-Court (Specifically, 10:41am)
Attorney 3: Can you do me a HUGE favor?
Me: Sure.
Attorney 3: I'm waiting on one last document from our client, but I need you to come to court with me and file these affirmative defenses before our case is up.
Me: No problem.  When is this case up?
Attorney 3: 11:00am.  I'm hoping we get that document in the next five minutes.

Court
Me: Here's a copy of our affirmative defenses.
Opposing Counsel: Is this a date stamp from two minutes ago?
Me: Of course not.  Who would do that?

Judge: Let's talk jury instructions.
Opposing Counsel: Ok.
Attorney 3: Um, you never gave those to us.
Opposing Counsel: Yes, we did.  I gave them to Attorney 2 the last time we were in court.  Did he not give those to you?  Here's an extra copy.
Attorney 3: Oh, of course.  I've totally seen these before.

Post-court
Attorney 3: I'm going to kill Attorney 2

Court?

Attorney 2 just mentioned that he'll let me go to court with Attorney 3 sometime in the near future.  He also made sure to mention that I have to be proactive about this because, although me going to court would be a help to the firm and will help the "smoke and mirrors" aspect of calling myself an attorney, it is also going to be a huge inconvenience for Attorney 3.  I'm really just going to be a hindrance to her and taking me to court is not something she needs, or wants, to do.

Wow, thank you for this huge fucking opportunity, Attorney 2.  Mostly, thank you for being so gracious about it.  You are a mentor to me in so many ways and you continuously strive to foster an environment where I can learn and work to my highest potential.

Or, you're a semi-retarded ass-clown who has been nothing but a detriment to my career.

Given that I've seen you drunk and attempting to smoke through your ear, I'm going to go with the latter.

Why I'd make a bad lawyer

My office is currently in a state of panic about a motion getting filed today.  I kid you not.  An absolute STATE OF PANIC!  Nobody is dying, no natural disaster, the sky isn't falling...it's all over a fucking motion.

Everyone gets so worked up about filing things on time.  I just don't get it.  Honestly, what's the worst that's going to happen if this motion isn't filed today?  We have to file a new motion for an extension of time to file the previous motion?  Oh my god, not that!  Yeah, we might look a little bit retarded, but it's not life or death.  Nothing law-related is that important or, at the very least, can't be fixed with minimal effort.

This attitude leads to conversations like this:
Secretary 2: This motion NEEDS to be filed for Attorney 3 today, but she's not here and I'm still waiting for a signature page from the client and we're running out of time!!!!
Me: Well, then it looks like it'll get filed on Monday.
Secretary 2: What are we going to do?  Should I ask Attorney 4?  What if we don't get the signatures?  It's almost too late!!  Will you stay late to file it?  Why doesn't Attorney 3 just do things on time?  WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!?!
Me: Stop.  Let me break this down very slowly.  Is it possible to file the motion without the signatures?
Secretary 2: No.
Me: Then, the motion is not going to get filed until we get them.  Worst case scenario - the motion gets filed on Monday and everybody forgets about it by Tuesday.
Secretary 2: But...but...I'm going to ask Attorney 4!
Me: Fine.  But, the motion's still getting filed on Monday.  FYI, never ask me to stay late again.

Blow me

Attorney 3 just called me to ask if I could make her a box.

Stuff like this is why I'm considering giving up on law, quitting my job, and moving back to my home town when my CLE credits come due at the end of June.  You have to draw the line somewhere, and that seems like as good a place as any.

Quote of the day

Attorney 2, to Attorney 3, after listening to her read a letter she's about to send to a retarded client:

I don't think being snotty is a good way to parse out legal advice.

Awesome.  That's in the running for quote of the year.

Office emails

As I've mentioned, I work in a small firm of about eight people.  If I raise my voice just slightly, literally everyone in the office can hear me.  This has led me to question our firm's practice of communicating via email. 

I just noticed that Attorney 3 sent me an email a couple of hours ago asking that I go pick up some exhibit labels for her from Staples.  She has walked past my office five times in the past hour and hasn't said a word to me about getting labels.  They seriously do this with everything.  Need something urgently?  Send an email.  Need to tell everyone something?  Send an email.  Want to get food for lunch?  Send an email.

I get that it's a reliable way to convey information, but so is walking into our lobby and saying, "Hey, guys.  Just so you know, people are coming over for a deposition at 2:00."  It's more personable and easier for those of us who are working blogging rather than compulsively checking their emails every two minutes.  Maybe I'm just old fashioned.

Law Rant Part VII

After paying my fee of $105 to the ARDC, I am officially still going to be a fully licensed, underemployed attorney in 2010.  Forgive me if I don't seem overly enthusiastic, but I just paid another fee to remain underemployed.  Not exactly how I saw my life going, to say the least.

Ok, in the spirit of the holidays, I'm going to take a minute to look on the bright side of remaining a licensed attorney:
1) I'll get a new ID card.
2) I can still  tell people I'm licensed to practice law.
3) I can still get into the Daley Center without going through the metal detectors.
4) If a legal job happens to come my way, I can take it without lying about my credentials.
5) I was feeling way too rich having that extra $105 just laying around.  I probably needed to be taken down a peg.

I was honestly hoping to get a solid ten reasons in, but I think you can tell I was stretching for five.  If anyone else can come up with any, I'd love to hear them.  Anyway, I'm off to pick up lunch for Creepo and Attorney 3.

That'll be $1,500. Surprise!

Warning: This blog post contains some boring legal talk, but I think it's worth it.

So, I have to get a condominium declaration and all of its amendments from the Recorder's Office.  Generally, assuming you don't want it certified and there aren't a ton of amendments and plats, it's going to be in the ballpark of $100-$200.  However, if an unsuspecting client asks for a certified copy of a declaration that does have a lot of stuff attached, they are in for quite the monetary surprise.  Here's my phone call to the Recorder's Office checking on the docs and the ensuing conversation with Attorney 3:

Me: Are my docs ready yet?
Recorder: Not all of them.  We have five of the nine.
Me: Can you ballpark how much it's going to cost so far?
Recorder: Well, for the five we have, it's going to be....$750...plus four more with plats...
Me: Ahahahahaha.
Recorder: What?
Me: That's fantastic.

Me: Hey, the docs aren't all ready yet.  Wanna guess how much the price is already?
Attorney 3: Do I?
Me: $750
Attorney 3: Ahahahaha
Me: It gets better.  That's only five out of nine documents.  This is going to be well over $1,000.
Attorney 3: Nice.

That doesn't even include the time I'm going to bill for going over to the Recorder's Office, the time Attorney 3 is going to bill for handing this off to me, or the cost of making a copy of the docs for our office.  Unsuspecting clients are the funniest kind of clients.

Office layout

I just did a quick spin around my office and here's how everyone I work with is spending their morning:
Attorney 1: Solitaire
Attorney 2: Online poker
Attorney 3: Online shopping
Attorney 4 and 5: I can't see their computer screens, so I'm assuming they're hard at work.  
Business Manager: Facebook
Secretary 1: Facebook
Secretary 2: News

What's the moral of this story?  Your office computer needs to face away from your door.

I suppose you could also infer some things about the productivity of lawyers, but I'll save that for another day.