Lawyers are idiots

Here's the conversation of the day from the Daley Center.  I was with Clerk 1 and we were overhearing a conversation some lawyer was having with Clerk 2.

Lawyer: I need to take a look at a pleading I filed this morning.
Clerk 2: How do you think I'm going to do that?  And, why do you need it?
Lawyer: I need to remove a letter I accidentally attached as an exhibit.  Can't you just find it?
Clerk 2: Have you looked around?  How am I supposed to 'just find it'?  Also, you know you can't just take away an exhibit after you file a pleading, right?
Lawyer: But...it REALLY can't be in there.  Are you sure you can't find it and just let me take it off?

Clerk 1: Oh, lord.  Is he for real? 
Me: Seems to be.
Clerk 1: How can you be a lawyer and be this slow?  Don't you all need to take a test or something?
Me: Yeah...I've got nothing.

The real question is, how can he have a job while I don't?  Seriously, how is that possible?

Save the trees

I'm a closet tree-hugger.  You wouldn't know it unless you've known me for a while, but I'm actually quite concerned about saving the planet and all that nature stuff.

That being said, I get annoyed by all of the paper wasted by lawyers.*  So, I usually try to decrease the amount of paper I use and it pisses me off when people seem to go out of their way to spite me.

Before I file a complaint, I email the whole thing (six pages) to our client for review.  Then, all they need to do is send two signature pages back to me.  I don't need the rest of the document.  I will never use the extra copy.

Yesterday, I emailed a client twenty complaints.  In my email, I specifically said that I DO NOT NEED all twenty complaints mailed back to me; just the signature pages would be fine.

What do I get in the mail today?  Twenty full complaints.

In case you didn't do the math, that's a total of 120 pages.  Forty of which I needed, 100 of which I'm going to throw away.  My inner tree-hugger is very pissed off right now.

*Seriously, unless you've spent some time in a law office, you have no conception of how much paper can be wasted in a single day.  It is appalling.

Law Rant Part VIII

Do you know how boring law has made me?  So boring that I'm blogging about how boring I am.

I've been sitting around for the past day, just waiting for something to happen worth blogging about, and I've got nothing.  Nothing at all.

All I did yesterday at work was fill in blanks and stand in line. That's it.  Nothing even moderately entertaining happened to me between the hours of 9:00am and 5:00pm.

Before you say it, yes, I know this is probably true for all office jobs, not just for lawyers.  I don't think I'm special; I just like to complain.

The worst part has got to be telling people about my day.  Seriously, who wants to hear about what lawyers do?  Nobody.  It's just not worth telling.  For example, this is a recent conversation I had with my mother, who is a surgeon:

Me: Hi, Mom.  What's new?
Mom: Well, I had a somewhat hectic day.  I was in surgery and there was a tornado warning.  We're not supposed to operate during those, so we were closing up as quickly as possible.  All of a sudden, the power to the hospital went out AND something went wrong with the backup generator.  So, we had this poor patient bleeding everywhere and none of our machines were working.  We had use one of those hand things to make her breath (I forgot the word) while I tried to close things up as best I could in the dark.  The power came back on in about ten minutes, but it was an exciting ten minutes.
Me: Wow!
Mom: How was your day, sweetie?
Me: I filled in blanks and stood in line.
Mom: Oh.  Well, that's nice.

My most exciting day as a lawyer will never be able to touch that story; and she has dozens more, just like it.  I definitely veered off course at some point if I wanted an exciting job.

I suppose I could also reference that story if I ever blog about the alleged "stress" lawyers always complain about.

Owned

Today, Attorney 4 and I got schooled by Secretary 2.  Schooled badly.

Me: Um, I'm filing this "amended complaint" for you.  Do we need to pay for this?
Attorney 4: I guess so.
Me: Ok, is this date right?
Attorney 4: No...I think we need to do the date on the order.  Are we serving the attorney?
Me: Oh!  Good idea.  Completely forgot about that.  Wait, am I still serving the guy the attorney represents?
Attorney 4: I don't think so.  I mean, that's why he has a lawyer, right?
Me: Makes sense.  But, the date on the order doesn't give us enough time to serve the lawyer.
Attorney 4: Oh, you're right.  How does that work?
Me: Um...
Secretary 2: Actually, you fucking retards, since this is an amended complaint, you don't need to pay for it.  And, the lawyer is the ONLY person who's going to get this.  You don't need to serve anyone through the sheriff, we'll just mail it to him.  Just give me the complaint, I'll make the notice and we can do it tomorrow.
Me & Attorney 4: Really?!?!
Secretary 2: Yes.  Just give me the complaint.  You idiots.

I'll be the first to admit that I know absolutely nothing about the practice of law.  Today, however, confirmed that I don't even want to know how to do half of this lawyer stuff.

I mean really, do I want to learn how to file an amended complaint?  Not at all.  Will I ever want to know how the difference between the different motions to dismiss?  Doubt it.  Am I ever going to be able to cite statutes by memory?  Nope.  Do do I foresee caring about any of the other tedious and arbitrary details you allegedly need to know in order to engage in the practice of law?  Not in a million years.

This does not bode well for my future in the profession.

I'm so going to Hell

So, I'm sending out demand letters this morning when I notice that one of them is being sent to this guy's estate, care of his father.  I got curious about how that could be the case, so I did some Googling.  If you're imagining the worst possible scenario, you would be correct.

This man's son was 30 years old and died in December.  When is he delinquent since?  December.  It's now April and I'm sending collection notices TO HIS FATHER.

I don't know what the time period should be for when it's appropriate to send a collection notice to a guy's dad, but I'm pretty sure it's longer than four months.  I just want to call this guy up and apologize on behalf of myself and everyone involved.  Instead, I'm the asshole sending him a collections notice. 

This is why people hate lawyers.

Legal excitement

This story is boring, but it's seriously the most entertaining thing that has happened to me today. 

If you're thinking about becoming a lawyer, continue reading to get a taste of what the rest of your life will be like.  Everyone else may just want to stop reading now and hope tomorrow's post is better.

You kind of need to read this legal excerpt to understand the context. 

Changes to the boundaries of Unit 1 and Unit 2  are set out on Exhibit B, which designates the reallocation of interest the effected common elements, as the terms are defined in the declaration of condominium ownership.

Plat of Survey is amended by reallocating the boundaries of Unit 1 and Unit 2 and reallocating the percentage interest in the common element as follows:

Attorney 5: You need to record this today.
Me: It looks like you're reallocating the percentage interest in some property.  You're going to need more info than you have here.
Attorney 5: We're not really reallocating any interest.
Me: Then, why does it say you are?
Attorney 5: Hahaha...ok, you have a point.  Maybe I'll assemble that other info you say I need.  This might have to wait until tomorrow.
Me: Haha, I'd say so!
Attorney 5: Haha, good thing you didn't try to record just this!

Ahahaha, he tried to reallocate interest without including all of the applicable documents and information!  What if I had tried to record that?!?  Oh boy, I would have had egg on my face!

That was seriously my entertainment for the afternoon.

Continuing Legal Education

I've mentioned the fact that I'm torn as to whether or not I should do my CLE credit before it's due on June 30th, or just consider that my deadline for giving up on law.  Well, my dad convinced me that "Better safe than sorry" is a better way of handling the situation than "Fuck you all.  I'm out." 

I went though a pretty long phase of doing the opposite of everything my dad suggested, but, as it turns out, he's usually right about stuff.  For instance, he hates lawyers and was not a huge fan of me going to law school.  Smart guy.

Anyway, the only thing left to do is find the cheapest and easiest way to get CLE credit.  I need 20 hours of normal credit + 4 hours of professional responsibility.  I have a few different options:

1) Go to 24 hours worth of meetings and/or classes. 
- Ahahaha, sorry, that wasn't a serious suggestion.
2) Buy a dvd set. 
- It's pretty pricey, but I can knock out all of my CLE credit with one set.
3) Buy an online bundle. 
- Less expensive than a dvd set, but I'm a little worried they have a way of checking that I've actually watched the material.  Don't want that.
4) Renew my CBA membership and rent a series of videos from their library?
- I actually can't figure out how this works.  If any of my readers are from the Chicago area and know how this works, I'd love some input.

Why I'd make a bad lawyer

My office is currently in a state of panic about a motion getting filed today.  I kid you not.  An absolute STATE OF PANIC!  Nobody is dying, no natural disaster, the sky isn't falling...it's all over a fucking motion.

Everyone gets so worked up about filing things on time.  I just don't get it.  Honestly, what's the worst that's going to happen if this motion isn't filed today?  We have to file a new motion for an extension of time to file the previous motion?  Oh my god, not that!  Yeah, we might look a little bit retarded, but it's not life or death.  Nothing law-related is that important or, at the very least, can't be fixed with minimal effort.

This attitude leads to conversations like this:
Secretary 2: This motion NEEDS to be filed for Attorney 3 today, but she's not here and I'm still waiting for a signature page from the client and we're running out of time!!!!
Me: Well, then it looks like it'll get filed on Monday.
Secretary 2: What are we going to do?  Should I ask Attorney 4?  What if we don't get the signatures?  It's almost too late!!  Will you stay late to file it?  Why doesn't Attorney 3 just do things on time?  WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!?!
Me: Stop.  Let me break this down very slowly.  Is it possible to file the motion without the signatures?
Secretary 2: No.
Me: Then, the motion is not going to get filed until we get them.  Worst case scenario - the motion gets filed on Monday and everybody forgets about it by Tuesday.
Secretary 2: But...but...I'm going to ask Attorney 4!
Me: Fine.  But, the motion's still getting filed on Monday.  FYI, never ask me to stay late again.

Sums it up

This pretty much sums things up:

I need a new job.

New low

I just went to Jewel and paid for a can of beer in quarters.  I had $2 in my wallet, but my mom always told me to keep some cash on me in case of emergencies.  Not sure if this is what she meant.

Law school still sound like a good idea to anyone?

Law Rant Part VII

After paying my fee of $105 to the ARDC, I am officially still going to be a fully licensed, underemployed attorney in 2010.  Forgive me if I don't seem overly enthusiastic, but I just paid another fee to remain underemployed.  Not exactly how I saw my life going, to say the least.

Ok, in the spirit of the holidays, I'm going to take a minute to look on the bright side of remaining a licensed attorney:
1) I'll get a new ID card.
2) I can still  tell people I'm licensed to practice law.
3) I can still get into the Daley Center without going through the metal detectors.
4) If a legal job happens to come my way, I can take it without lying about my credentials.
5) I was feeling way too rich having that extra $105 just laying around.  I probably needed to be taken down a peg.

I was honestly hoping to get a solid ten reasons in, but I think you can tell I was stretching for five.  If anyone else can come up with any, I'd love to hear them.  Anyway, I'm off to pick up lunch for Creepo and Attorney 3.

Job posting

I still check the job postings on my law school's employment website.  Here's the title of the latest post: Part-time, In-home "Mother's Helper" for Adjunct Prof's Family.

My law school can go fuck itself.

Law Rant Part VI

"Law Clerk" is the most bullshit job one can possibly have.  The job doesn't amount to shit in the real world or the legal world, and it's pissing me off.  It's kind of like the time I spent working in a library in college.  Yeah, it's paying me and passing the time, but nobody really counts that as valuable work experience.  Seriously, is there anyone who cares that I've spent almost three years as a clerk?

Law Firm: Do you have legal experience?
Me: Yes.  I was a law clerk for three years!
Law Firm: I mean do you have any experience as an attorney?
Me: Technically, no.
Law Firm: Not interested.

Normal Job: So, do you have any work experience?
Me: Yes.  I was a law clerk for three years!
Normal Job: What did you do there?
Me: Drafted legal documents, etc.
Normal Job: Um, is any of that applicable to this job?
Me: Yes.  Though we're going to have to stretch the definition of "applicable."
Normal Job: Not interested.

Mom: I don't know why you can't find a job.  You have a lot of education and very valuable work experience!
Me: I know!
Mom: I'd hire you.
Me: I know you would.  Thanks, Mom.

I knew someone had to care.

I went to law school for this

Here is a series of conversations between the Appellate Clerk, Attorney 5 and myself.

Conversation 1
Attorney 5: How many copies of this decision can I have our clerk pick up later today?
Appellate Clerk: Two.

Conversation 2
Attorney 5: Go pick up at least twenty copies of this decision from the Appellate Clerk today.
Me: Fine.

Conversation 3
Me: Can I have several copies of this decision?
Appellate Clerk: Here's four.
Me: Any chance I can get twenty?
Appellate Clerk: I already told the guy who called earlier that we can't do that.
Me: Sounds about right.

Conversation 4
Me: Did they already tell you we couldn't get twenty copies?
Attorney 5: ...maybe.
Me: So, you seriously sent me off to get something you knew I couldn't get?
Attorney 5: Ok, here's what happened.  Technically, they told me that the decisions weren't in yet, so they couldn't give me a final number.
Me: Did she give you an estimate?
Attorney 5: ....yeah....two.  So, you did twice as well as me.  Good job, Nick!
Me: ...thanks?

Law quote

This is a great quote about law school from someone at ATL:

At this point, going to law school is like starting to smoke. It’s expensive, it’s probably going to kill you, and it’s a stupid life decision. But some people just don’t care.

Man, it is way easier just to quote from other peoples' blogs than to write my own.  I should do this from now on.

Law Rant Part V

Maybe a little bit of uniformity in how things work would be helpful.  I know doing things differently in every state, city, division, and courtroom sounds like a fun and efficient way to organize a legal system, but it's pissing me off.  Here are just the two most recent examples:

I deal mostly with three divisions: Municipal, Chancery and Law.  I just love it that I have to go to three different areas to file a motion, and do it in three different ways.  Is my date on a board?  Do I need a motion slip?  Do I pick a date at random?  Do you know what time it will be?  Do I need my judge's calendar?  Do I get a receipt?  The answers are different for each division.  Thanks, U.S. legal system.  Really, why do something one way when you could do it in three ways.  That would be ridiculous.

The other day I was trying to pick up some orders from a courtroom.  In a lot of courtrooms there's a bin with orders to be picked up.  So, I asked the clerk if there was such a thing in his courtroom.  This guy got all pissy, informed me that there was no bin for orders, he had no idea what I was talking about, and I was going to have to come back tomorrow to talk to the judge.  After another minute of prying, I find out that he's right, there is no "bin" for orders in the courtroom.  However, there is a "tray" in chambers that holds all of the orders.  I wanted to yell at the clerk for wasting five minutes of my life debating semantics, but he genuinely had no idea what I was talking about.

Thanks, dick

Here's my latest rejection email: "Looking for 2-3 years experience. Thank you."

Thanks, dick.  Who the fuck taught this guy how to write an email, some kid on the short bus?  If I go through all the trouble of sending a resume and cover letter someplace, I think the least they could do is give me a better rejection email than that.  You know, ease me in to the rejection with the standard, "while we appreciate your interest."  After you crush my dreams, end with an upbeat, "good luck in your search."  Maybe, just maybe, start it with "Dear D." 

I'm tempted to reply, but I'm not sure with what yet.  My sister suggested that I create a new email account, log on from the Harold Washington Library, and reply with, "I hope your office building blows up."  Can you tell we're related?

Law Rant Part IV

While filling in blanks today, I was reflecting on my decision to go to law school.  Long story short, I didn't go to philosophy grad school because a professor convinced me that I should do something more marketable.  So, instead, I went to law school.  Ironic, no?

Job Search

I know I'm usually a once/day blogger, if that, but I can't pass this up.  Below is an email I received this morning regarding an attorney position I applied for with the EEOC.   Look at the number of applicants they received for one position in Chicago.

Thank you for applying for the position of Trial Attorney with the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (the "EEOC").  We were overwhelmed with more than 1200 applicants, and appreciate your interest. 

Although your background and qualifications are impressive, we have selected other candidates who more closely met the requirements of the position. 

To learn more about future vacancies with federal agencies, please visit the Office of Personnel Management's webiste at www.usa.jobs.gov.

Again, thank you for your interest in the EEOC.

No, thank you for telling me how many applicants you've had.  Normally, I get pissed off when I'm told that there were other, more qualified, applicants.  I figure someone looked at my resume and thought, "No.  This guy isn't what we're looking for.  At least not compared to this guy who was on moot court!!"  (fuck you, moot court)  But, with 1200 applicants, I'm confident that they picked 10 random resumes, gave those people interviews, and sent the rest this email.  I know that's what I would do.

On a side note, this email should be sent to anyone thinking of going to law school.  Just slip it in with that packet schools send to prospective students.  Like a free t-shirt, only depressing.

Law Rant Part III

Hourly billing is a ridiculous concept, though whoever thought of it was a genius.  Seriously, if you tried to pull this hourly billing shit in any other aspect of your life, people would consider you retarded, but it's par for the course for a lawyer.  Here are a few reasons why I think it's so ridiculous:

1) The amount of time you spent on something does not have any bearing on the quality of product you will produce.  Example: Your grades in school were never based on the amount of time you spent studying.  You never went up to one of your teachers and said, "But Professor, I worked on this paper for 8 hours.  I deserve an A."   Do you know why you didn't?  Because, even though you spent a lot of time on it, your paper sucked and you deserved that C.
2) You're slow if you think lawyers record their time accurately.  If I have to bill 2000 hours in a year, you better believe I'm fudging some time.  Yeah, that brief may have only taken me an hour, but the client doesn't know that.  Now I have a two hour brief.  Ta-da!
3) It encourages lawyers to be even less productive.  This is a nice illustration of how much time it actually takes to fill up your annual billable hours.  Fuck that.  I guarantee I could finish all of my work and be in and out of my office in four hours each day and you probably could too.  Don't believe me?  Just watch someone who is leaving early or going on vacation.  Their work gets done FAST.