Slow day

Things are slow.  Suspiciously slow.  Normally (as in, before Attorney 6 started), I have a pretty solid amount of work in front of me.  However, for about the past week now, my job has slowed nearly to a stop.

I'd like to think that Attorney 6 is just so on top of things that he's able to do his job and my job in less time than Attorney 4 and I could together; but, I don't think that's the case.  My hunch* is that there's a lot of stuff building up which he's not aware of and the shit is going to hit the fan in a couple of weeks.

I could bring this to someone's attention, but I don't want to overstep my bounds.  I am just a law clerk after all.  It's probably better to just kick back and watch how things play out.

*By "hunch," I mean I've already looked around and there's a bunch of stuff that hasn't been done.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

I get along with most people.  Seriously, I may come across as a dick in this blog, but there are very few people I legitimately don't get along with.  Secretary 2 is one of those few people.  Her complaining, back-talking, I'm-to-good-for-this-job personality fucking sets me off.

I was going to do a whole post about how I went off on her yesterday, but watching my boss start to lose it this morning was way more entertaining. 

Attorney 2: How are you answering when clients ask you about Attorney 4 (who's last day was yesterday)?
Secretary 2: I'm saying this ____.
Attorney 2: Instead, say this ____.
Secretary 2: I've been doing this for thirteen years.  I know how to respond to clients.
Attorney 2: Is this bitch serious?  That's great, but I'm telling you how I want it to be done.
Secretary 2: I know, but I think the way I'm doing it is essentially the same.
Attorney 2: This bitch IS serious!  It's my firm; you'll do things my way.

The incredulous look in his eye when she back-talks him in front of the entire firm is priceless.  I cannot fucking wait for him to snap.  It's going to be amazing.

New guy

Well, they officially hired a new lawyer.  I was going to do a whole post on how I rank my daily depression levels, but this news came first.  Suffice it to say that today's depression level is "crippling."

The new guy, who will be replacing Attorney 4, starts on Monday.  Since they just told him he got the job yesterday, I think it's safe to assume he's currently unemployed.  He better have a lot more experience than I do or I'm going to livid...though completely incapable of doing anything about it.

Also, this is throwing off the way I reference my co-workers.  Should he be Attorney 6?  I suppose that's the easiest way to do it.

I get that he had nothing to do with this, but I'm going to have a very hard time not being pissed off at the new guy.  Maybe he'll be annoying so that my hatred of him will at least be partially justified.

Waiting

Some guy just came in to interview for Attorney 4's position.  As he was walking in, my boss walk walking out to use the bathroom.  He quickly said, "Hey John, I'm hitting the restroom really quick, but I'll be out for the interview in just a minute."

As I've mentioned before, my bosses trips to the restroom are of epic length.  It has already been twenty minutes and there's no sign of him.  This guy is in for quite a wait.

Just so that it's out in the open, yes, I'm the one who greets people at the door for interviews; and, yes, it's slowly killing me.

More updates

Don't be fooled, nothing has actually happened.  But, these count as updates, nonetheless.

1) I applied to the two positions suggested by the old guy.  He said he'd even be a reference for me.  Fingers crossed...

2) Old guy also set me up with some big-shot lawyer who practices in health law.  He's the "chair" of the health law group at a pretty big firm.  He doesn't think there's much available at his firm, but I'm having lunch with him next week.  It's good to know the old guy is actually pulling for me.

3) My girlfriend's boss is looking at my resume.  It's official - my girlfriend's boss has now been more helpful than my entire firm.  Take a minute for that to sink in.

4) Secretary 2 is pissing everyone off and might get fired.  Apparently, talking about everyone behind their backs, in an office of eight people, was not her best idea.  Go figure.

5) It's looking like I'm definitely not getting Attorney 4's job.  I'm not basing this on any direct conversation Attorney 2 has had with me.  That would be silly.  I'm basing this on several vague comments about how he's still on my side, that he's going to try to get me some court time, and a not-so-funny joke about how I should take Secretary 2's job if she gets fired.

Honesty: never the best policy

Just had a talk with Attorney 2 about  the possibility of me taking Attorney 4's job when she leaves in July.  Essentially, I was told to think about my "commitment level" to this firm and whether this is something I actually want to do.  Spoiler alert - it's not.

Now, you might be thinking to yourself, "But, Nick, if you're the awesome worker you hold yourself out to be, why wouldn't they hire you immediately?"  Simple - I've been honest with my boss about my career goals.

Does he know I don't want to do this kind of law?  You bet.  I've been working here for three years - it's come up.  We've actually had lengthy discussions about the fact that I don't think law is right for me, particularly not the law that we practice.*  He actually seems to like me more, based on the fact that I have vastly different interests than your average lawyer.  Did I anticipate this biting me in the ass?  Nope.  But, admittedly, I probably should have.

So, I find myself with a bit of a moral dilemma.  On one hand, I can try to bullshit my boss by telling him that I see myself spending the next several years of my life at this firm.  It would probably land me a job I desperately need (if my boss doesn't see through it), but at what cost?  I'd have to lie to Attorney 2 and assuredly piss him off when I quit to take the first better offer I can find.

On the other hand, I could take a somewhat 'in between' option he suggested; where, I wouldn't be an official attorney, but I would get a raise and could, perhaps, handle some things on a contract basis.  This option would be crushing for my mental health, as, I assume, I would still be spending a good portion of my day standing in line while some random gets the job that should, rightfully, be mine.  However, I wouldn't have to lie to my boss and wouldn't risk burning any bridges if I do happen to find other employment.**

Like I said, I've got a dilemma.  Good thing I've got a weekend and a full bottle of Beam to help sort things out.

*I'm actually interested in health law, in case anyone was curious.
**I have a weird thing against lying to people.  I blame focusing on ethics with my phil major.  I actually wanted to go into medical ethics, at the time.

How to make your problem my problem

Got a call today from our title search guy, because there was a problem with a search I had requested.  This was odd because I wasn't the one who requested this particular search.  It was Attorney 4.  Regardless, this has become my problem. 

Somehow, she deftly turned her problem into my problem.  You might be wondering how she pulled this off.  It was fairly simple, really.  She just put my name and email on all of the title search forms. 

Pretty clever, Attorney 4.

Owned

Today, Attorney 4 and I got schooled by Secretary 2.  Schooled badly.

Me: Um, I'm filing this "amended complaint" for you.  Do we need to pay for this?
Attorney 4: I guess so.
Me: Ok, is this date right?
Attorney 4: No...I think we need to do the date on the order.  Are we serving the attorney?
Me: Oh!  Good idea.  Completely forgot about that.  Wait, am I still serving the guy the attorney represents?
Attorney 4: I don't think so.  I mean, that's why he has a lawyer, right?
Me: Makes sense.  But, the date on the order doesn't give us enough time to serve the lawyer.
Attorney 4: Oh, you're right.  How does that work?
Me: Um...
Secretary 2: Actually, you fucking retards, since this is an amended complaint, you don't need to pay for it.  And, the lawyer is the ONLY person who's going to get this.  You don't need to serve anyone through the sheriff, we'll just mail it to him.  Just give me the complaint, I'll make the notice and we can do it tomorrow.
Me & Attorney 4: Really?!?!
Secretary 2: Yes.  Just give me the complaint.  You idiots.

I'll be the first to admit that I know absolutely nothing about the practice of law.  Today, however, confirmed that I don't even want to know how to do half of this lawyer stuff.

I mean really, do I want to learn how to file an amended complaint?  Not at all.  Will I ever want to know how the difference between the different motions to dismiss?  Doubt it.  Am I ever going to be able to cite statutes by memory?  Nope.  Do do I foresee caring about any of the other tedious and arbitrary details you allegedly need to know in order to engage in the practice of law?  Not in a million years.

This does not bode well for my future in the profession.

Job search updates

To be honest, nothing is new.  I'm just labeling this post "updates" to make myself feel better.  Regardless, here's what's going on:

1) New round of French class started up this week.  I keep hoping I'll meet some lawyer who would love to have me, and my basic French language skills, working at his firm.  Not likely, I know.  At the very least, I'll meet some new people who will spread the word that I need a job.  That's kind of how networking is supposed to work, right?

2) I'm considering another mass mailing.  Or, as the career counselors like to call it, a "targeted mailing."  Given that I was 0/50 the last time I tried this, I'm not getting my hopes up.

3) I signed back up with my undergrad job search website.  There are zero attorney positions listed, but at least I feel like I'm trying.

4) Attorney 4 is leaving in July, so I'm confident I'd get her job in August.  Two years ago, that was my worst case scenario; and it's still my worst case scenario.  I fucking hate this place and I may move back to my home town if this scenario actually plays out.

5) My French teacher actually just emailed me to say that he ran into a lawyer that he knows who would be willing to have lunch with me.  She doesn't think she'll be of much help, but at least it's someone new to talk to.  Again, this is how networking is supposed to work, right?

Why I'd make a bad lawyer

My office is currently in a state of panic about a motion getting filed today.  I kid you not.  An absolute STATE OF PANIC!  Nobody is dying, no natural disaster, the sky isn't falling...it's all over a fucking motion.

Everyone gets so worked up about filing things on time.  I just don't get it.  Honestly, what's the worst that's going to happen if this motion isn't filed today?  We have to file a new motion for an extension of time to file the previous motion?  Oh my god, not that!  Yeah, we might look a little bit retarded, but it's not life or death.  Nothing law-related is that important or, at the very least, can't be fixed with minimal effort.

This attitude leads to conversations like this:
Secretary 2: This motion NEEDS to be filed for Attorney 3 today, but she's not here and I'm still waiting for a signature page from the client and we're running out of time!!!!
Me: Well, then it looks like it'll get filed on Monday.
Secretary 2: What are we going to do?  Should I ask Attorney 4?  What if we don't get the signatures?  It's almost too late!!  Will you stay late to file it?  Why doesn't Attorney 3 just do things on time?  WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!?!
Me: Stop.  Let me break this down very slowly.  Is it possible to file the motion without the signatures?
Secretary 2: No.
Me: Then, the motion is not going to get filed until we get them.  Worst case scenario - the motion gets filed on Monday and everybody forgets about it by Tuesday.
Secretary 2: But...but...I'm going to ask Attorney 4!
Me: Fine.  But, the motion's still getting filed on Monday.  FYI, never ask me to stay late again.

Wrong

In my experience, this is how most lawyers answer questions.  It drives me fucking crazy.

Me: I don't understand this.  So, [complicated question about the rights of shareholders in a corporation]
Attorney 4: Yeah, I think that's how it works.
Me: Then, [question about the rights of a 3rd party lender associated with the shareholder]
Attorney 4: Yeah, that sounds right.
Me: But, [question about the liability of each party involved]
Attorney 4: Um...yes.
Me: How do you know?
Attorney 4: Well, you know, corporations...shareholders...they have shares...and 3rd parties...well, they're a third party...so...the lenders, they lend...and...the owners own...and that's how liability arises...and, well, that's why.

Really?  You're seriously just going to agree with me and then make up an answer off the top of your head?  Do you think I can't tell you're making this up?  Aren't you worried about doing it wrong?  I suppose opposing counsel probably has no fucking idea either, so maybe that's not an issue.

God, I hate lawyers.

Office layout

I just did a quick spin around my office and here's how everyone I work with is spending their morning:
Attorney 1: Solitaire
Attorney 2: Online poker
Attorney 3: Online shopping
Attorney 4 and 5: I can't see their computer screens, so I'm assuming they're hard at work.  
Business Manager: Facebook
Secretary 1: Facebook
Secretary 2: News

What's the moral of this story?  Your office computer needs to face away from your door.

I suppose you could also infer some things about the productivity of lawyers, but I'll save that for another day.