Secretary 2 hates eating lunch when Attorney 2 is in our kitchen. She thinks he has disgusting eating habits and says that eating with him ruins her lunch. Granted, he's not a tidy eater, but telling everyone that he ruins your lunch is a little melodramatic.
Everyone hates eating lunch with Secretary 2. We all think she talks too much, about inappropriate things, and eating with her is a pain in the ass. On a semi-related note, she's actually the reason our secretaries have assigned eating times, but that's a story for another day.
Today, Attorney 2 is in our kitchen eating during Secretary 2's lunch time. Secretary 2 is pouting (or, whatever the fat and disgusting version of pouting is) and eating lunch at her desk. I'm sure Attorney 2 is enjoying his peace and quiet while reading old gossip magazines.
I don't often say this, but...Attorney 2 FTW.
Showing posts with label Secretary 2. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Secretary 2. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Bitter women, take note
Secretary 2 never stops talking. One of her favorite subjects is how much she hates men. She also likes to time some of her comments to coincide with the men in our office walking past her desk. I know, that sounds too retarded to be true, but I'm not making it up.
Today, she let out this gem as I was walking by: "Men just aren't designed to be faithful for fifty years."
Yes, we know your ex-husband cheated on you. Let it go.
Secretary 2, I'm going to let you in on a little secret - we're ALL on his side. Not because we're not designed to be faithful, but because you're an insufferable hag who's constant belittling would drive any man to cheat.
Honestly, if I had to listen to your bitching and moaning day in and day out, I would hurl myself off the nearest cliff. In that sense, you should count yourself lucky that he only cheated on you. This way he has to pay alimony and child support AND you have a perfect scapegoat for your failed marriage.
Oh, one last thing. Do you know what he's thinking every time he signs part of his paycheck over to you, while sitting in his blissfully quiet and hag-free apartment? Totally worth it.
Today, she let out this gem as I was walking by: "Men just aren't designed to be faithful for fifty years."
Yes, we know your ex-husband cheated on you. Let it go.
Secretary 2, I'm going to let you in on a little secret - we're ALL on his side. Not because we're not designed to be faithful, but because you're an insufferable hag who's constant belittling would drive any man to cheat.
Honestly, if I had to listen to your bitching and moaning day in and day out, I would hurl myself off the nearest cliff. In that sense, you should count yourself lucky that he only cheated on you. This way he has to pay alimony and child support AND you have a perfect scapegoat for your failed marriage.
Oh, one last thing. Do you know what he's thinking every time he signs part of his paycheck over to you, while sitting in his blissfully quiet and hag-free apartment? Totally worth it.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
You're not understanding
Yesterday, Attorney 6 got reamed by Attorney 3 and it was awesomely brutal. In no particular order, here are my top five favorite quotes by Attorney 3:
1) I feel like you're not understanding this.
2) How are you not understanding this?
3) This is not that hard to understand.
4) Repeat what I just said so that I know you're understanding this.
5) How hard is it to do this right?
Here are a few observations:
1) I am 85% sure Attorney 6 went to the bathroom to compose himself afterward. Sack up, man. You're not allowed to cry at work.
2) One of the things he got yelled at for was some dumbass thing Attorney 2 told him to do. I feel a little bad about that one.
3) I'd like to point out that, in over three years of working here, I have never done anything so consistently wrong that it warranted getting yelled at. Thank god they didn't hire me. That would have been a HUGE mistake...
4) Secretary 2 got pulled in at one point and did a fine job of throwing Attorney 6 under the bus. I felt a little bad about that, too.
5) Attorney 6 ended his day by getting dragged into our conference room for a meeting with Attorney 2, Attorney 3 and Business Manager.
I'm sure there will be repercussions from this. Updates to follow.
1) I feel like you're not understanding this.
2) How are you not understanding this?
3) This is not that hard to understand.
4) Repeat what I just said so that I know you're understanding this.
5) How hard is it to do this right?
Here are a few observations:
1) I am 85% sure Attorney 6 went to the bathroom to compose himself afterward. Sack up, man. You're not allowed to cry at work.
2) One of the things he got yelled at for was some dumbass thing Attorney 2 told him to do. I feel a little bad about that one.
3) I'd like to point out that, in over three years of working here, I have never done anything so consistently wrong that it warranted getting yelled at. Thank god they didn't hire me. That would have been a HUGE mistake...
4) Secretary 2 got pulled in at one point and did a fine job of throwing Attorney 6 under the bus. I felt a little bad about that, too.
5) Attorney 6 ended his day by getting dragged into our conference room for a meeting with Attorney 2, Attorney 3 and Business Manager.
I'm sure there will be repercussions from this. Updates to follow.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Apparently, you CAN unsay "I quit."
Secretary 2 managed to un-quit. I have a number of problems with this, but I think my biggest issue is how badly my boss pussed out.
I recently found out that he's the one who went to her, in an attempt to keep her around. She annoys everybody, thinks she's too good for her job, talks back to him, and HE went to HER. This blows my mind.
The woman was obviously bluffing. Not only is she in no position to quit her job (alimony and child support only goes so far), Attorney 3 just informed me that she has threatened to quit on four previous occasions. FOUR!
The appropriate response would have been for Attorney 2 to bid Secretary 2 a fond farewell and then wait for her to come crawling. And, come crawling she would.
Then, Secretary 2 could have been put in her place and Attorney 2 wouldn't have lost the respect of the entire office. Doesn't that sound like a better idea? Most of my firm thinks so. We've discussed it a bit...
The day after what would have been her last day, I'm just going to stare at her when I get to work, then become visibly depressed. I think she'll get the message.
I recently found out that he's the one who went to her, in an attempt to keep her around. She annoys everybody, thinks she's too good for her job, talks back to him, and HE went to HER. This blows my mind.
The woman was obviously bluffing. Not only is she in no position to quit her job (alimony and child support only goes so far), Attorney 3 just informed me that she has threatened to quit on four previous occasions. FOUR!
The appropriate response would have been for Attorney 2 to bid Secretary 2 a fond farewell and then wait for her to come crawling. And, come crawling she would.
Then, Secretary 2 could have been put in her place and Attorney 2 wouldn't have lost the respect of the entire office. Doesn't that sound like a better idea? Most of my firm thinks so. We've discussed it a bit...
The day after what would have been her last day, I'm just going to stare at her when I get to work, then become visibly depressed. I think she'll get the message.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
You can't unsay "I quit"
Secretary 2 has been in Attorney 2's office for the past half hour. From what I know of her, I'm assuming she's trying to explain why she quit or trying to get her job back...via complaining and back-talk. I'm not sure that's the route I'd take but, then again, I'm not an insufferable bitch.
On an unrelated note, "you can't unsay 'I quit'" is something I tell myself almost every day. Never thought I'd work it into a blog post about someone else.
On an unrelated note, "you can't unsay 'I quit'" is something I tell myself almost every day. Never thought I'd work it into a blog post about someone else.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Breaking news
Secretary 2 just quit! Hoorah!
For the record, I had nothing to do with this. I think she had just annoyed everyone at our firm so much that she could tell the hostility was starting to boil over. Attorney 3 actually texted me at 9:00pm last night just to complain about her.
Hoorah!
For the record, I had nothing to do with this. I think she had just annoyed everyone at our firm so much that she could tell the hostility was starting to boil over. Attorney 3 actually texted me at 9:00pm last night just to complain about her.
Hoorah!
Friday, July 16, 2010
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
I get along with most people. Seriously, I may come across as a dick in this blog, but there are very few people I legitimately don't get along with. Secretary 2 is one of those few people. Her complaining, back-talking, I'm-to-good-for-this-job personality fucking sets me off.
I was going to do a whole post about how I went off on her yesterday, but watching my boss start to lose it this morning was way more entertaining.
Attorney 2: How are you answering when clients ask you about Attorney 4 (who's last day was yesterday)?
Secretary 2: I'm saying this ____.
Attorney 2: Instead, say this ____.
Secretary 2: I've been doing this for thirteen years. I know how to respond to clients.
Attorney 2:Is this bitch serious? That's great, but I'm telling you how I want it to be done.
Secretary 2: I know, but I think the way I'm doing it is essentially the same.
Attorney 2:This bitch IS serious! It's my firm; you'll do things my way.
The incredulous look in his eye when she back-talks him in front of the entire firm is priceless. I cannot fucking wait for him to snap. It's going to be amazing.
I was going to do a whole post about how I went off on her yesterday, but watching my boss start to lose it this morning was way more entertaining.
Attorney 2: How are you answering when clients ask you about Attorney 4 (who's last day was yesterday)?
Secretary 2: I'm saying this ____.
Attorney 2: Instead, say this ____.
Secretary 2: I've been doing this for thirteen years. I know how to respond to clients.
Attorney 2:
Secretary 2: I know, but I think the way I'm doing it is essentially the same.
Attorney 2:
The incredulous look in his eye when she back-talks him in front of the entire firm is priceless. I cannot fucking wait for him to snap. It's going to be amazing.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Fat women + heels = hilarious
Secretary 2 is fat. (I was going to try to sugar-coat that to sound nicer, but it clearly didn't happen.)
Anyway, she also likes to wear some surprisingly high heels, which provides amusement for me every time she walks by my office.
It's like watching a hippo on stilts. Funny, but with potentially disastrous consequences.
First of all, it's a precarious balancing act. While it's hilarious watching Secretary 2 wobble her way across the office, I know there's a pretty good chance she's going to face-plant and break something. That wouldn't be funny.
Ok, fine, that would still be hilarious. I don't like her.
Secondly, the amount of pressure on those heels must be huge! I'm convinced she's going to stab a hole through our floor as she clomps through our office. Every time she walks on the hardwood, I keep expecting to hear a crunch, followed by a scream, as her heel finally breaks through a board.
Finally, you know how girls always avoid grates in the sidewalk because their heels can get stuck? I keep picturing it happening to Secretary 2. I can't help but laugh every time I think of her stuck in a grate. She'd never be able to get that shoe out! It would be like a bear trap...but for fat ladies in heels.
Anyway, she also likes to wear some surprisingly high heels, which provides amusement for me every time she walks by my office.
It's like watching a hippo on stilts. Funny, but with potentially disastrous consequences.
First of all, it's a precarious balancing act. While it's hilarious watching Secretary 2 wobble her way across the office, I know there's a pretty good chance she's going to face-plant and break something. That wouldn't be funny.
Ok, fine, that would still be hilarious. I don't like her.
Secondly, the amount of pressure on those heels must be huge! I'm convinced she's going to stab a hole through our floor as she clomps through our office. Every time she walks on the hardwood, I keep expecting to hear a crunch, followed by a scream, as her heel finally breaks through a board.
Finally, you know how girls always avoid grates in the sidewalk because their heels can get stuck? I keep picturing it happening to Secretary 2. I can't help but laugh every time I think of her stuck in a grate. She'd never be able to get that shoe out! It would be like a bear trap...but for fat ladies in heels.
Friday, June 4, 2010
More updates
Don't be fooled, nothing has actually happened. But, these count as updates, nonetheless.
1) I applied to the two positions suggested by the old guy. He said he'd even be a reference for me. Fingers crossed...
2) Old guy also set me up with some big-shot lawyer who practices in health law. He's the "chair" of the health law group at a pretty big firm. He doesn't think there's much available at his firm, but I'm having lunch with him next week. It's good to know the old guy is actually pulling for me.
3) My girlfriend's boss is looking at my resume. It's official - my girlfriend's boss has now been more helpful than my entire firm. Take a minute for that to sink in.
4) Secretary 2 is pissing everyone off and might get fired. Apparently, talking about everyone behind their backs, in an office of eight people, was not her best idea. Go figure.
5) It's looking like I'm definitely not getting Attorney 4's job. I'm not basing this on any direct conversation Attorney 2 has had with me. That would be silly. I'm basing this on several vague comments about how he's still on my side, that he's going to try to get me some court time, and a not-so-funny joke about how I should take Secretary 2's job if she gets fired.
1) I applied to the two positions suggested by the old guy. He said he'd even be a reference for me. Fingers crossed...
2) Old guy also set me up with some big-shot lawyer who practices in health law. He's the "chair" of the health law group at a pretty big firm. He doesn't think there's much available at his firm, but I'm having lunch with him next week. It's good to know the old guy is actually pulling for me.
3) My girlfriend's boss is looking at my resume. It's official - my girlfriend's boss has now been more helpful than my entire firm. Take a minute for that to sink in.
4) Secretary 2 is pissing everyone off and might get fired. Apparently, talking about everyone behind their backs, in an office of eight people, was not her best idea. Go figure.
5) It's looking like I'm definitely not getting Attorney 4's job. I'm not basing this on any direct conversation Attorney 2 has had with me. That would be silly. I'm basing this on several vague comments about how he's still on my side, that he's going to try to get me some court time, and a not-so-funny joke about how I should take Secretary 2's job if she gets fired.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Lunch at my desk
There's something you should know about me - I take my food very seriously.
Today, because it's just me and Secretary 2 in the office, I'm breaking one of my food commandments and eating lunch at my desk. She looked genuinely freaked out when I told her I was going to leave her alone to go eat in the kitchen, so I'm taking pity on her. I feel like this was a mistake.
I like a fairly leisurely lunch. If possible, I would like to leave my office. The best lunches ever were at a previous job, when I could go to a lake and watch ducks. Those were the days.
Now, since watching ducks isn't an option, I like to kick back with a book or magazine, get away from my desk, and eat my sandwich in peace. It's good for the mental health.
Instead, today, I'm stuck here; surrounded by files and staring at a computer screen - all while trying to enjoy my sandwich, apple and granola bar. This is practically a human rights violation.
Secretary 2 also has the misguided notion that I'm going to be doing work, while eating at my desk. The woman is simply crazy. If she comes into my office one more time before my apple is finished, I'm going to throw my phone at her.
Today, because it's just me and Secretary 2 in the office, I'm breaking one of my food commandments and eating lunch at my desk. She looked genuinely freaked out when I told her I was going to leave her alone to go eat in the kitchen, so I'm taking pity on her. I feel like this was a mistake.
I like a fairly leisurely lunch. If possible, I would like to leave my office. The best lunches ever were at a previous job, when I could go to a lake and watch ducks. Those were the days.
Now, since watching ducks isn't an option, I like to kick back with a book or magazine, get away from my desk, and eat my sandwich in peace. It's good for the mental health.
Instead, today, I'm stuck here; surrounded by files and staring at a computer screen - all while trying to enjoy my sandwich, apple and granola bar. This is practically a human rights violation.
Secretary 2 also has the misguided notion that I'm going to be doing work, while eating at my desk. The woman is simply crazy. If she comes into my office one more time before my apple is finished, I'm going to throw my phone at her.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Owned
Today, Attorney 4 and I got schooled by Secretary 2. Schooled badly.
Me: Um, I'm filing this "amended complaint" for you. Do we need to pay for this?
Attorney 4: I guess so.
Me: Ok, is this date right?
Attorney 4: No...I think we need to do the date on the order. Are we serving the attorney?
Me: Oh! Good idea. Completely forgot about that. Wait, am I still serving the guy the attorney represents?
Attorney 4: I don't think so. I mean, that's why he has a lawyer, right?
Me: Makes sense. But, the date on the order doesn't give us enough time to serve the lawyer.
Attorney 4: Oh, you're right. How does that work?
Me: Um...
Secretary 2: Actually,you fucking retards, since this is an amended complaint, you don't need to pay for it. And, the lawyer is the ONLY person who's going to get this. You don't need to serve anyone through the sheriff, we'll just mail it to him. Just give me the complaint, I'll make the notice and we can do it tomorrow.
Me & Attorney 4: Really?!?!
Secretary 2: Yes. Just give me the complaint.You idiots.
I'll be the first to admit that I know absolutely nothing about the practice of law. Today, however, confirmed that I don't even want to know how to do half of this lawyer stuff.
I mean really, do I want to learn how to file an amended complaint? Not at all. Will I ever want to know how the difference between the different motions to dismiss? Doubt it. Am I ever going to be able to cite statutes by memory? Nope. Do do I foresee caring about any of the other tedious and arbitrary details you allegedly need to know in order to engage in the practice of law? Not in a million years.
This does not bode well for my future in the profession.
Me: Um, I'm filing this "amended complaint" for you. Do we need to pay for this?
Attorney 4: I guess so.
Me: Ok, is this date right?
Attorney 4: No...I think we need to do the date on the order. Are we serving the attorney?
Me: Oh! Good idea. Completely forgot about that. Wait, am I still serving the guy the attorney represents?
Attorney 4: I don't think so. I mean, that's why he has a lawyer, right?
Me: Makes sense. But, the date on the order doesn't give us enough time to serve the lawyer.
Attorney 4: Oh, you're right. How does that work?
Me: Um...
Secretary 2: Actually,
Me & Attorney 4: Really?!?!
Secretary 2: Yes. Just give me the complaint.
I'll be the first to admit that I know absolutely nothing about the practice of law. Today, however, confirmed that I don't even want to know how to do half of this lawyer stuff.
I mean really, do I want to learn how to file an amended complaint? Not at all. Will I ever want to know how the difference between the different motions to dismiss? Doubt it. Am I ever going to be able to cite statutes by memory? Nope. Do do I foresee caring about any of the other tedious and arbitrary details you allegedly need to know in order to engage in the practice of law? Not in a million years.
This does not bode well for my future in the profession.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Why I'd make a bad lawyer
My office is currently in a state of panic about a motion getting filed today. I kid you not. An absolute STATE OF PANIC! Nobody is dying, no natural disaster, the sky isn't falling...it's all over a fucking motion.
Everyone gets so worked up about filing things on time. I just don't get it. Honestly, what's the worst that's going to happen if this motion isn't filed today? We have to file a new motion for an extension of time to file the previous motion? Oh my god, not that! Yeah, we might look a little bit retarded, but it's not life or death. Nothing law-related is that important or, at the very least, can't be fixed with minimal effort.
This attitude leads to conversations like this:
Secretary 2: This motion NEEDS to be filed for Attorney 3 today, but she's not here and I'm still waiting for a signature page from the client and we're running out of time!!!!
Me: Well, then it looks like it'll get filed on Monday.
Secretary 2: What are we going to do? Should I ask Attorney 4? What if we don't get the signatures? It's almost too late!! Will you stay late to file it? Why doesn't Attorney 3 just do things on time? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!?!
Me: Stop. Let me break this down very slowly. Is it possible to file the motion without the signatures?
Secretary 2: No.
Me: Then, the motion is not going to get filed until we get them. Worst case scenario - the motion gets filed on Monday and everybody forgets about it by Tuesday.
Secretary 2: But...but...I'm going to ask Attorney 4!
Me: Fine. But, the motion's still getting filed on Monday. FYI, never ask me to stay late again.
Everyone gets so worked up about filing things on time. I just don't get it. Honestly, what's the worst that's going to happen if this motion isn't filed today? We have to file a new motion for an extension of time to file the previous motion? Oh my god, not that! Yeah, we might look a little bit retarded, but it's not life or death. Nothing law-related is that important or, at the very least, can't be fixed with minimal effort.
This attitude leads to conversations like this:
Secretary 2: This motion NEEDS to be filed for Attorney 3 today, but she's not here and I'm still waiting for a signature page from the client and we're running out of time!!!!
Me: Well, then it looks like it'll get filed on Monday.
Secretary 2: What are we going to do? Should I ask Attorney 4? What if we don't get the signatures? It's almost too late!! Will you stay late to file it? Why doesn't Attorney 3 just do things on time? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!?!
Me: Stop. Let me break this down very slowly. Is it possible to file the motion without the signatures?
Secretary 2: No.
Me: Then, the motion is not going to get filed until we get them. Worst case scenario - the motion gets filed on Monday and everybody forgets about it by Tuesday.
Secretary 2: But...but...I'm going to ask Attorney 4!
Me: Fine. But, the motion's still getting filed on Monday. FYI, never ask me to stay late again.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Get out of my office
Secretary 2 is currently in my office, complaining about Secretary 1, the way we do things at our firm, the way she is being treated and how she feels about all of it.
Is she kidding? Did someone put her up to this? How could she have possibly decided I was the one to talk to? I'd be tempted to take her side, were it not for the monumental lapse in judgment it took to come to ME with her problems.
No fucking way. She is actually still here. Most people can pick up on the subtle cues that I don't care about their problems. Like, for instance, when I start writing a blog post while they're talking. Or, if I haven't actually responded with anything more than a grunt for the past two minutes. Is this woman slow?
I'm tempted to share with her my favorite quote from my high school P.E. teacher: "You know where you can find sympathy? In the dictionary between shit and syphilis."
Seriously, lady. I have my own problems. Fuck off.
Is she kidding? Did someone put her up to this? How could she have possibly decided I was the one to talk to? I'd be tempted to take her side, were it not for the monumental lapse in judgment it took to come to ME with her problems.
No fucking way. She is actually still here. Most people can pick up on the subtle cues that I don't care about their problems. Like, for instance, when I start writing a blog post while they're talking. Or, if I haven't actually responded with anything more than a grunt for the past two minutes. Is this woman slow?
I'm tempted to share with her my favorite quote from my high school P.E. teacher: "You know where you can find sympathy? In the dictionary between shit and syphilis."
Seriously, lady. I have my own problems. Fuck off.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Updates
Whereas I was crazy-busy last week, I have dick going on today. So, I have plenty of time to make a list of inconsequential updates in my life and post them on my blog. Gotta do something to pass the time.
1) I bought a bottle of Beam on Saturday and, attached, was a coupon for a free frozen pizza. It's like they're reading my mind!
2) Got an email from a recruiter about a job I applied for. Granted, she hasn't called me back yet,that whore, but I'm remaining optimistic. Trying to, at least.
3) Secretary 1 has a friend who works at another law firm and she says they need an associate. She now has a copy of my resume and instructions to tell her boss he can't function without me.
4) St. Patrick's Day is coming up! Day-drinking is my favorite kind of drinking.
5) My knee is feeling better, so I get to start lifting again tomorrow. Front-squats!
6) Secretary 2, though overly giggly, is really quite nice and seems to be fairly competent.
All in all, this week has not sucked so far. Don't worry though, there's still plenty of time.
1) I bought a bottle of Beam on Saturday and, attached, was a coupon for a free frozen pizza. It's like they're reading my mind!
2) Got an email from a recruiter about a job I applied for. Granted, she hasn't called me back yet,
3) Secretary 1 has a friend who works at another law firm and she says they need an associate. She now has a copy of my resume and instructions to tell her boss he can't function without me.
4) St. Patrick's Day is coming up! Day-drinking is my favorite kind of drinking.
5) My knee is feeling better, so I get to start lifting again tomorrow. Front-squats!
6) Secretary 2, though overly giggly, is really quite nice and seems to be fairly competent.
All in all, this week has not sucked so far. Don't worry though, there's still plenty of time.
She's a giggler
Our new secretary started today. From now on, she'll be referred to as Secretary 2.
She's a giggler. Her reaction to pretty much anything is a hearty giggle. I know, that sounds strange, but she actually does a combination of a normal giggle and a hearty laugh. A hearty giggle, if you will. Maybe you have to hear it.
Right now, everyone's reaction is to go with it and laugh along with her. I wonder how long it's going to take before it just gets annoying.
She's a giggler. Her reaction to pretty much anything is a hearty giggle. I know, that sounds strange, but she actually does a combination of a normal giggle and a hearty laugh. A hearty giggle, if you will. Maybe you have to hear it.
Right now, everyone's reaction is to go with it and laugh along with her. I wonder how long it's going to take before it just gets annoying.
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