A Philosophy Major's Guide to Computers

If you thought I was confused in the last post, you're in for a treat. Also, I'm not dealing with this sober.

Now I'm ready. Lets get started.

Part I: How to diagnose/get rid of a virus. Continued.

Step 6: Drastic Measures

a) "Zero" the "hard drive."

- Ok, so I guess computers have these things called "hard drives." I'm assuming that's where the computer gnomes work. To zero a hard drive, I basically want the aforementioned gnomes to be shouting "zero" at each other, rather than ones and zeroes. Did you see that? I just explained binary. I should have majored in CS.

- Made a "boot CD" at work. I should mention that I'm already a little worried as the program I'm using is called "Boot and Nuke." I barely trust myself to install those annoying adobe updates. This is a potential disaster.

- Just pop it in and I should be good to go, right? Not quite. I guess computers don't know to open up the cd first, so I have to tell it to boot to the cd. Computers are stupid like that.

Boot...f8, f8, f8...Whoa! Hey! That is not a screen I'm used to.

- Now we're ready to erase a hard drive.

Boot...F2, F2, F2...I've had some bad experiences with "blue screen" recently, so I'm a little worried about this. Also worrying is the disclaimer provided with this product. If you can't read it, it says, "This software is provided without any warranty; without even the implied warranty of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose..." Since I'm a lawyer, I know...well, nothing. But this disclaimer really doesn't sound good.

b) Reinstall Windows.

- I guess if you turn on your computer without installing windows it just give you "black screen." I don't think it's as bad as "blue screen" and it's certainly no "red screen," but I have no idea what to do with it.
- Pop in the "operating system" cd that came with the computer. I'm not positive, but I'm going to call Windows an operating system. Also pop in all other cd's that came with the computer and hope for the best.

c) Internet?

- Internet! I'm pretty well done at this point. The rest is just icing.

d) Install Applicable Drivers
- Done.

Step 7: Boast to Your Friends

- Check!

Step 8: Realize You Forgot Stuff

- I don't have sound. I figure I forgot a driver. Who needs sound, anyway?

- It doesn't "standby" anymore. Can't figure that one out.

A Philosophy Major's Guide to Computers

Back-story: I majored in philosophy. During college, a more computer-savy friend of mine used to laugh as I tried, ineptly, to fix a variety of computer problems. We would joke that I should make my own guide to computers. As luck would have it, I recently had a particularly resilient virus and quite a bit of free time.

Part I: How to diagnose/get rid of a virus.

Step 1: Establish that you have a virus and assess the situation.


What the fuck is that little red ball with an "X" in it at the bottom of my screen and why is it making a balloon appear? Windows security? That doesn't seem right. At least there aren't any pop-ups. Maybe it's not serious.

Step 2: Restart your computer and hope it goes away on its own.
- Nope. Little red ball is still there. Hey, it's just a little red ball. I can work around this, right? Queue pop-ups. Maybe I should try and get rid of it just in case.

Step 3: Try the usual methods.
a) End Task/Process: Won't let me get into the task manager.
b) Defragment, Check for Errors: Nope, can't get into either of those.
c) Adaware: Not working either.
d) Malwarebytes?



Stop fucking interrupting me!! Maybe this is more serious than I had originally thought.




Step 4: Try the unusual methods.
a) System Restore: This has to work, right? Nope, can't run system restore.
b) Safe mode: I Googled my problem and read something about "safe mode" and it sounds like a good plan.


Whoa! I'm pretty sure "Blue Screen" is not supposed to be the result of safe mode. Let's go ahead and refer to this as "Unsafe Mode" and normal mode as "Dangerous Mode."

c) Click random buttons and hope for the best?


That's right. Now I have two little red balls. There's a chance I'm in over my head.




Step 5: Call a friend who is supposed to know things about computers.
- Friend has suggested drastic measures.

Step 6: Drastic measures...