Monday, November 23, 2009

Football fans

I went to the Bears game yesterday.  While I'm not a huge football fan, I do generally enjoy going to the games.  However, there are certain fans that just annoy the hell out of me.  Surprising, I know.  I should also give credit to my girlfriend since some of these are actually her ideas.
1) The Nonsensical Yeller: "AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!YEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!!WOOOOOOHAAAAAAA!!!!!"  Thanks.  I couldn't agree more.  Please, continue yelling in my ear; it's really helping me to enjoy the game.  Wait...that doesn't sound right.  What I think I meant was - sit down and shut the fuck up.  Yeah, that definitely sounds more like it.
2) The Coach: This guy feels the need to inform the players and coaches what they did wrong on the last play and what they are going to do wrong on the next play.  Listen, I'm sure you were fan-fucking-tastic on your high school football team; but now you're 300 pounds, drunk, and stuck in your seat.  Does that tell you something about your play calling abilities?  It really should.
3) The Out-of-shape American: Yes, you're fatigued and out of breath walking up the steps to your seat.  No, it's not funny or endearing.  It's actually pathetic that you can't make it all the way up a set of bleachers without taking a break.  By the way, the nachos and beer you're carrying are not helping your case.
4) The Inappropriately Drunk Guy: Inappropriately drunk while sitting quietly minding your own business wouldn't be a problem.  The real problem with this guy is that he inevitably turns into a louder, more obnoxious version of the other annoying fans.
5) The Walker: This is the person who spends more time walking around getting food and going to the bathroom than actually watching the game.  Listen, every time you walk past me you block my view of what's going on.  Sit down in your seat.  It's why you bought the ticket in the first place.
6) The High-Fiver: Don't touch me.  As long as you don't touch me we'll be fine.
7) The Beer Waster: I know, you want to jump up and down because you're drunk and excited.  You know what you should do first, though?  Put your beer down. 
8) The Insulter: This is the guy who yells "you suck!" or "you're gay!" at everyone wearing the other team's jersey.  Punching this guy in the face should be 100% legal.
9) The Guy Who Spilled Cheese On My Girlfriend: He was a combination of several annoying fan types.  Obviously, punching this guy in the face should also be 100% legal.

1 comment:

  1. Hilarious. I don't like large crowds much either. (Like you, I have a low tolerance for stupidity.) When people are in crowds, stupidity inevitably magnifies.

    I like when some drunk pig spills beer on someone else's coat or person, and then gets all pissed that he spilled his beer. These swine are usually not concerned with the other person affected by their clumsiness and idiocy. This is ONE REASON why punching these guys square in the face (with a sock full of quarters) ought to be 100% legal.