Seriously, do not fuck with Tamika.

This is another Tamika story.  It actually happened a while ago, but I haven't gotten around to blogging about it.  I'm anticipating a slow day, so I figure today's the day to actually post it.

I'm shortening her story to a few choice quotes.  Mainly, because the whole story is ridiculously fact specific, and I don't want her to find out I'm writing about her.  Not after hearing this story, at least.

"This was one of those times when I knew I was going to jail.  Sometimes you just know."

"I knew what my husband was doin'.  But, you don't bring that into my house!"

"She came into my house and, Nick, that's grounds."

"I had to slice them because the knife just wouldn't go in (makes jabbing motions)"

Stories like this one actually brighten up my days.  What does that tell you about my days?

Do not fuck with Tamika

Another great conversation with Tamika. 

Tamika: You won't believe what happened to me Saturday night.
Me: You're probably right.
Tamika: So, I was out with my girl and this guy started messing with us.  Now, you know I don't take no bullshit and I've got a fiery side to me.  So, I cuss this mother-fucker out and spit in his face.
Me: Well, who wouldn't?
Tamika: He left us alone for a while after that, but we went to go get some food later on and he was there 'cus we was in his 'hood.  What does this punk do?  Starts causing trouble again.
Me: Bad idea.
Tamika: I know!  I ain't scared of him just because he's all thugged out!  So, I get out my truck, take off my heels and take out my pistol.
Me: Whoa!  Run that by me again.
Tamika: You know I carry a pistol, right?
Me: I do now.
Tamika: So, yeah, and my girl, she's a state trooper, so she's got her pistol too and we're ready to go.
Me: There are zero flaws in this plan.
Tamika: This guy was lucky a bunch of my guy friends were around so he wasn't going to start anything.  If he did, I was gonna need your services.
Me: You would give me the most interesting cases.

Desk-mites?

Didn't think I'd have another story about Tamika, the previously mentioned Cook County worker, this quickly.  Luckily, I do.

Tamika: Ugh (scratching), these desk-mites are really getting to me today!
Me: What?
Tamika: You know, desk-mites.  They crawl all around desks and bite you.
Me: (backing up) What?!
Tamika: Yeah, sometimes people have to go to the doctor because they swell up from the bites.
Me: (about two feet away from her counter) What?!
Tamika: County worker X says she always strips before she gets in her door so she doesn't bring them into her house.
Me: I need a new job.

Seriously.  I need a new job.

I could represent the best cases

I was in a particular county office today and got this one cashier who I talk to a lot.  Let's call her "Tamika" since I'm sure she'll come up again in future posts.  I noticed Tamika was on a different side of the office today, though I didn't realize the reason was going to be so hilarious.

Tamika: I almost had to use your services (as a lawyer) today.
Me: Why?  What happened this time?
Tamika: I cursed some lady out and threatened her a little.  She was all in my business and I just got tired of it.
Me: Ok, weird.  At least you meet a lot of lawyers.  Hey, (joking) is that why you're on this side of the office?  Did it happen here and they're trying to keep you two apart?
Tamika: Yeah, they needed to separate us. 
Me: Hahaha...wait...you're serious?

How awesome would it be to see a fight break out between two cashiers?  I believe "pretty fucking awesome" is the answer you're looking for.