How not to walk

I hate it when people try to walk and read at the same time.  It's one of those things, like texting and driving, which really shouldn't be done together.  If you run into me because you were buried in a book rather than paying attention to where you were going, I think I should be allowed to hit you.

I shouldn't have to mention this

Ladies, your bra is not an extra pocket.  For those of you who don't believe me, let me say it again.  Your bra IS NOT an extra pocket.

I mention this because, today, I saw some fat lady reach into her bra and pull out her wallet, keys and cell phone.  She didn't just reach in and pull them out.  She had to go fishing.  It was a solid ten seconds of "feeling around" before she was able to locate all of her stuff.  Hands down the grossest thing I've seen in a while.

I know, you see women in movies pull things out of their bras all the time.  This does not make it appropriate.  Odds are they are way better looking than you, and they are pulling out something appropriately sized, i.e., not their car keys.  So, unless you are crazy hot and stashing a few hundred dollar bills, don't even consider it.  Even then, maybe just bring a wallet.

Hand sanitizer

First, let me just say that I'm all in favor of hand sanitizer.  It's a convenient way to sanitize things if you don't have a more appropriate method available (I don't know enough science to actually worry about making super-resistant germs).  However, people have to understand the limits of what hand sanitizer can do.  It's not the same as washing your hands.  It's actually more like using Febreeze on your hands.

Case in point, The Goblin has had a cough for the past several months (yes, it's gross).  Every time I walk past her desk and I see her coughing into her hands, I glare at her and she responds with, "Don't worry!  I'm using hand sanitizer!" 

Great.  You just rubbed a combination of hand-sanitizer, spit and phlegm all over your hands.  But, don't worry, you're germ free.  That's like using Febreeze to cover up a stain on your carpet.  Yeah, it might not smell, but the stain is still there. 

I think a good general rule would be to only use hand-sanitizer if your hands legitimately look clean and you just want to be extra safe.  For anything else, go actually wash your hands.

Stoner etiquette

Over the weekend I was grocery shopping at Jewel.  On the way down one aisle, my way was blocked by a couple who reeked of weed and were in the middle of a lengthy discussion about whether they should get brown sugar & cinnamon or strawberry Pop-Tarts.  I politely asked them to move to the side of the aisle so that I could get through and they had the nerve to give me a dirty look.

Fuck you, stoners.  I have no problem with you being high and in Jewel, but understand that there's some basic etiquette to be observed.  First and foremost, if someone who is not high asks you to do something, you fucking do it.  Who do you think is the better judge of whether you're being a jackass?  You?  Or the sober guy trying to get around you? 

The fact that they actually needed that much time to decide on Pop-Tarts was not helping.  Brown sugar & cinnamon all the way.  That's not something you should even need to think about.

Clean it with Febreze

I was watching a Febreze commercial over the weekend and its tag-line was, "Clean it with Febreze."   Before I go any further, if you're a person who "cleans" things with Febreze, pay close attention to the next paragraph because your place is disgusting stop reading now so that I don't offend you.

I don't know if you know this or not, but Febreze doesn't actually make anything cleaner.  Does it take away odors?  Yes.  Does that make anything cleaner?  No.  As someone who has been in apartments that have been "cleaned" with Febreze, I can assure you there is a big difference.

Say, hypothetically, that your dog pees on your carpet.  The correct response is to break out some heavy duty cleaner and scrub the hell out of that stain until it's clean.  The incorrect response is to squirt Febreze on it.  That just temporarily masks the smell of dog piss on your carpet - and that's disgusting.

How to walk with kids

Let me start out by saying that I actually do like kids.  They're generally happy, fun, energetic, and easily entertained (as long as you don't actually live with one).  However, I hate their parents.  I know, I'm not a parent and I don't know what it's like so I shouldn't tell them how to raise their kids.  Whatever.  I'm also not a NASCAR driver, but when they run into the wall, I can tell they've done something wrong.

As a parent, I believe that you have accepted the responsibility of making sure that your child isn't a pain in the ass for other people.  If they're a pain in the ass for you, great; that's part of your job.  However, if they're a pain in the ass for me, we have a problem.

As I was walking to work this morning, there was a big clog of people slowing down all of the rush hour foot-traffic.  What was the problem?  Some guy walking with his four year old son, at his son's pace.  The way I see it, if you're going to walk with your son during a busy time, you have three options: 1) Put him in a stroller; 2) Carry him; or 3) Drag him until his tiny legs are carrying him as fast as they possibly can.  It's your call.

Today's advice

You know how, if one person starts crossing a street, tons of other people follow him even if the sign says "Don't Walk" and they're about to walk in front of incoming traffic?

Don't do that.

How umbrellas work

You open umbrellas when it's raining.  Not when it's cloudy.  Not when it looks like it might rain.  Not even when you've been hit by a couple of sporadic drops.  You open an umbrella when it is actually raining.

The idiots milling around with open umbrellas are the reason it takes me so fucking long to get anywhere on cloudy days.

How lines work

Which one is a straight line?  Wait.  Don't just answer off the top of your head.  The answer to this question is apparently trickier than it seems.  Ok, did you pick the middle one?  If you did, congratulations, you can identify a line and appreciate this post.

Do you ever have to stand line?  I do it at the Daley Center every day.  It's one of the perks of my job.  Every day I'm amazed by the inability of people to understand how lines work.  Should you stand next to me?  No.  Should you jump in front of me? No.  Should you curve off in a different direction?  No!  You belong behind me, conforming to the original direction of the line.

This is a kindergarten concept, guys.  Kindergarten.

Don't feed the bums

Do you feed pigeons?  Of course not.  Pigeons are basically disgusting flying rats.  They infest this city and crap everywhere.  Feeding the pigeons does nothing other than encourage them to come back.  If you don't believe me, just look at the Quincy stop.  Some dick feeds them there every day and it has become pigeon HQ.  Unless you're the kind of person who feeds the rats in your apartment because you need the company, you don't feed pigeons.

Moving on, do you give money to bums?  The answer to that should also be, "of course not."  They're the human equivalent of pigeons.  They contribute nothing, hang out in parks, smell bad, subsist on handouts and sometimes crap everywhere.  Giving them anything, like a warm place to pass time, only encourages their behavior.  Just take a walk through the Harold Washington Library.  They can hang out there for free and it's basically bum HQ.

To sum up, bums are like pigeons.  If you keep giving them money, they'll keep asking you for money.  If you stop giving them money, they'll either move on to a different location or die.  Hopefully die.

Footnote: For those few of you who do feed the pigeons (you know who you are), I hope you get eaten by the hoards of pigeons you have helped to create.

Nobody cares about your kids

While perusing the other blogs out there, I couldn't help but notice how many of them are devoted to people's kids. My kid did this, my kid did that. He had a birthday, looks cute in a sailor outfit and likes to eat sand. Whatever. Anyone who actually gave a damn about your little sand-eater was there watching him eat sand. Hell, half of the people who were actually there don't give a damn about the kid, which is probably why he was allowed to eat sand in the first place.

Almost forgot my personal favorite kid blog: the account of a toddler's day from his point of view. Listen, there's a reason kids can't talk: they don't do anything worth talking about. For instance, "Today I spent my morning in the park with Grandma. Then mommy came home and we played with my new toy. I was so tired I napped for hours!" Really? Writing that is how you've chosen to spend your free time and waste mine? I have to think that a parent would have more important things to do than give a first person account of their child's day.

Listen, I'm not saying my blog should be on the top of everybody's "must read" list. I know very few people want to know what I think about law, being underemployed, or whatever else strikes my interest. I'm just saying that nobody wants to hear about your kids. You know how some people will tell you in depth stories about their cat and you impatiently roll your eyes waiting for them to get to a story about an actual person? It's like that.